Are You a Mold Breaker?

The world prefers people who fit in. There’s nothing wrong with fitting in—it’s what enables most systems to function well. But here’s the problem. Many of these societal systems, such as our schools, workplaces, and even churches, benefit only people who fit into the mold. When a child is born with Down syndrome or brown skin, they enter a world in which, so far, the systems disadvantage rather than advantage them. The societal molds that serve the system are not made for them, or, even worse, the system wants to make separate “special” molds for them. Which is what the educators in Macyn’s life wanted to do when they judged that she would fit best in a special education classroom. Macyn has Down syndrome, so that’s her mold, right? Wrong!

My kids are the main reason I shifted from mold fitter to mold breaker. I knew I needed to step up to the front lines to help break the molds of systems that work only for able-bodied, cognitively advanced, light-skinned people like me. My kids! By God’s grace, I get to learn with and alongside my kids. And rather than raise kids who fit nicely and neatly into the world around them, I get to raise kids who embrace the uniqueness of who God has made them to be, teaching them to avoid all of the molds that pressure them to fit in.

You know our friend Jesus? He was a mold breaker. Throughout his entire ministry, he placed little bombs of radical love in the molds created by the society he was born into and blew up people’s ideas about what—and who—mattered most in life.

Jesus blew up all kinds of social norms, especially when it came to caring for the outcasts of society. His friends would be like, “Dude, you can’t interact with that person.” And Jesus would be like, “Watch me!” Or the religious leaders of the day would say, “Hey, Jesus, you can’t heal someone on the day of rest.” And then Jesus would look at them and say, “Actually, I can!” And then his radical love was displayed in ways that literally changed the world. But disrupting the system and blowing up the societal molds of his day came at a great cost for Jesus. He had a lot of haters. A lot! People who felt threatened by the way Jesus challenged their mold-making way of life.

Breaking molds is exhausting, daunting, and at times lonely work. I think this is why Jesus so often put himself on furlough, stepping away from the front lines to go “home” by spending time with his Father. Jesus had the Twelve, his people, but there were times when even his closest friends didn’t totally get him. He needed to retreat to his safe place, not only to rest, but to be with the ones who knew him best—his Father and the Holy Spirit.

I fight battles on a much smaller scale than Jesus did, but I still find myself feeling exhausted and alone as I try to shout the worth of my kids at a mold-shattering decibel. And the battle goes way beyond the educational systems. Even when we’re out in public, I have to be “on,” meaning I am hyperaware of where my kids are, what they’re doing, saying, not doing, not saying, how others are perceiving them, and how they are perceiving others.

Getting from point A to point B can feel like “mission impossible” sometimes. Macyn wants to ask everyone we pass what their name is or where they’re going or touch their hair, while Truly is literally doing cartwheels through the parking lot or the Target aisle, and August demands something absurd (and slightly adorable) such as, “I want coffee,” and then throws a fit because I won’t give him any of mine.

Even when we’re around people who know and love us, I still feel like I have to be on. Is Macyn playing with our friend’s hair too aggressively? Will our friend comfortably create boundaries, or do I need to chime in? Is Truly going to say something so off-hand or rude that I won’t know how to respond? Will our friend feel uncomfortable because of Truly’s remarks? My shoulders tighten at just the thought of each scenario.

It was only when I recognized my need for furlough that I was able to see where “home,” that safe place to rest, really was for me. I had to think about the places I can go with my family, or rather the people I can go to with my family, and feel my shoulders relax as I begin to settle into an “off” place, the place where I can let down my guard and find proper rest.

If you’re exhausted because you’ve been on the front lines for too long, you need to do more than find your people; you need to know which ones you can go home to. The list may be very, very short, and many of your people may not be on the list. If so, that’s okay. Sometimes we keep our guard up, even if just a tiny bit, around some of our dearest friends. Even Jesus had to carve out time away from some of his dearest friends on earth in order to experience the rest he needed. So don’t feel badly about the places or people in which you do not find rest and restoration.

On the flip side, maybe you and your children fit easily into the molds and just the thought of being a mold breaker makes you feel the need for your own furlough. Like me, you and your kids may have advantages simply because of the color of your skin or the ways your life fits the socially acceptable molds. If so, I urge you to consider what it might take to reshape those molds.

You don’t have to start with complete and utter destruction. Start by inviting someone to join you who maybe never fit in before. It may mean talking with your kids about seeking out the peer at school who has a different ability and inviting him or her for a playdate. Or talking to your child’s teachers and principals about what you can do to help make your child’s classroom inclusive for all. Or the next time you’re out in public and a little girl who may look a little different and have thicker speech comes up to you and asks you your name and wants to play with your hair, shake off your initial discomfort, give her mama a reassuring smile, and engage.

Consider what it would take to make space for others in the social settings you so easily slip in and out of, such as schools, churches, and parks. And just as those of us on the front lines need to ask ourselves where we can go for furlough, ask yourself what you can do so our need for furlough is less necessary.

The truth is, we all need people in our lives who know us, know our stories, and love us anyway. We all need someone who sees and shares that gleam in our eye. Our very well-being depends on it. I’ve found my safe place in powerful ties with others through motherhood, faith, adoption, Down syndrome, womanhood, or a mixture of all of the above. People both inside and outside of my family. People who feel like home.

*Taken from Scoot Over and Make Some Room by Heather Avis. Copyright © 2019 by Heather Avis. Used by permission of Zondervan. www.Zondervan.com.

Heather Avis is the author of Scoot Over and Make Some Room and The Lucky Few, and a popular speaker, podcaster, and Instagrammer. Her family’s story has been covered by numerous outlets including TIME, TODAY, and POPSUGAR. She is a wife to her loving and supportive husband, Josh, and mother to Macyn, Truly, and August. They live in Southern California. Connect with her online: https://www.heatheravis.com.

Photograph © Charlein Gracia, used with permission