If Your Family Life Feels Like a War Zone

“Achoo!” We turned the corner of our neighborhood walking trail as my nine-year-old daughter let loose a sneeze.

“Bless you,” I said.

“Thanks, Mom.” And then—from the mouths of babes. “The spring is so pretty, with all the green leaves and flowers. The only problem is the pollen. Why does it ruin our spring?”

Why, indeed. After six months of frigid temps and mounds of snow, we Wisconsinites appreciate spring like nobody else in America. We adore spring. We yearn for spring. And then, when it arrives at last, our bliss is thwarted by allergens that result in runny noses and itchy eyes.

That’s just how life works, isn’t it? Nearly every joy comes with a challenge.

Roses grow thorns.

Campfires attract bugs.

Double-decker ice cream cones produce stomachaches (in my world). But oh, how I love them.

And for those of us blessed with husbands, children, and households to tend—well, family life, too, is filled with challenges. Many of us longed for it, prayed for it, perhaps even endured months and years of waiting for babies, like faraway spring, to arrive. And when they do—praise Jesus, what a gift.

Yet inevitably, frustration—like sneezing—creeps in. We discover it amidst our exhaustion, our kiddos’ whining, and in the daily bickering over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. Tensions develop among siblings, between parents and child, within Mom and Dad’s relationship. At some point in every home, we will experience hurt feelings, hectic agendas, misbehavior, miscommunication; irritations, heartaches, grudges, and regrets.

These are the allergens of family life.

And when we inhale the ugly side of our blessings, how do we react? Some of us blow. We yell, complain, throw things (kitchen towels are my personal favorite). Others among us withdraw—into resentment or daydreams of what life would be like somewhere else. But that’s all a lie. We are already living the life we dreamed of. And it IS beautiful. We just forget sometimes that hazards are part of the deal.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27 NLT)

The world will give us trouble. Jesus says so in John 16:33. Yet He also tells us not to let our hearts be troubled. Which means although we are sure to face frustrations and challenges even in the context of our greatest joys in family life, those challenges don’t need to define our emotions or our responses.

Is it possible to stare into trouble—mischievous kids, moody teens, grumpy husbands, and daily stress—and still experience peace?

Yes.

Jesus says we can. Because He gives us his peace. It’s not something we muster up within ourselves. It’s something he pours into us. It’s a superpower straight from heaven.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3 NIV)

Here are five ways to live in peace—even when family life wages a battle with our hearts.

1. Confess your struggle—and leave it at the cross. God already knows you’re grumpy and struggling. There’s no use hiding it from Him. “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7 NLT). Then don’t try to yank it back from the Lord’s capable hands.
2. Apologize for your part. Anger is a temptation, not a sin—until we mishandle it. As soon as you trip the threshold from anger to action, own it, apologize for it, and ask for forgiveness—from your family and from God.
3. Don’t give the devil a foothold. Grudges only fester and pop, creating a bigger mess than necessary. So forgive and forget readily, just as you’d want your family to do for you, so that “no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many” (Hebrews 12:15 NLT).
4. Have fun. Remember laughter? When was the last time your family really, truly busted into a good round of belly laughs? What prevents you from lightening up and having fun together? Find something to do that you all enjoy—and schedule time to do it.
5. Finally, count your blessings. Too often we focus on the burdens of family life rather than the joys. Chances are, if we opened our eyes to recognize them, our blessings would far outnumber our grievances. And that awareness allows gratitude and peace to reign in our hearts—which just might prevent many grievances to begin with.

My new book, The Cranky Mom Fix, is designed to equip us with the biblical truths and practical tips needed to quell the frustration within and create an environment of peace, in which we enjoy our families more than we scold them. I encourage you to join me in this worthy adventure—for God’s glory!

Becky Kopitzke is a blogger, speaker, encourager, and the author of three books including The Cranky Mom Fix: Get a Happier, More Peaceful Home by Slaying the “Momster” in All of Us, now available from booksellers nationwide.