How to Disagree Well

We all have likes and dislikes that make us unique. We form allegiances and make them part of our identity. We proudly proclaim our loyalty to a person, place, or thing, perhaps by wearing our college apparel well past our higher education days or by tattooing the initials of our kids or spouse on our skin. We show our loyalty to brands with our dollars when we choose Nike over Adidas or Clinique over Neutrogena.

Sometimes our loyalty and differing opinions become topics for debate. McDonald’s fries or Wendy’s? Who has better bulk discounts, Costco or Sam’s? Coke, Pepsi, or Dr. Pepper? Which is better, a beach vacation or skiing? And if you’ve ever met a tried-and-true In-N-Out fan, forget about convincing them a better or fresher burger exists anywhere on this good earth.

These all represent differences of opinion we hold firm and love to debate, but we would never risk losing a friend or family member over them. Disowning a relative because they prefer Pepsi, while we might like to joke about the possibility, would never happen in a normal relationship.

However, weightier issues can drive a wedge of mistrust between neighbors, friends, and family members. Choosing a side and refusing to budge, berating or mocking those of opposing views, and “unfriending” friends and acquaintances who don’t see eye-to-eye with us has become more and more common. People who used to get along and look past their differences now draw lines in the sand and drop others out of their lives because ideological differences over politics, religion, economic policies, lifestyle, social issues, and so on are so contested. It’s no secret that we can find ourselves squaring off with neighbors and strangers over issues we feel strongly about, white-knuckling our viewpoints at all costs—even at the cost of civility and relationship.

Several months ago, I was visiting my parents when my mom and I got into a heated discussion over politics. Neither one of us could believe that the other would stand so strongly on her own side. We were appalled at each other’s respective loyalty and devotion to our political affiliations, and we each clung tightly to our justification for what we believed. We’re both women of faith, yet our interpretations of that faith had led us to completely different conclusions when it came to this particular topic.

After that weekend, I went home and didn’t think much about the argument. My mom, however, did keep thinking about it. She was grieved that her daughter, the girl she raised in the church, sent to Christian summer camp, and prayed over continually had developed views fundamentally different from her own. I, however, saw this as a credit to my mom. She had done her job, raising a strong, independent woman who looked for peace and justice in the world and called out those in authority when she believed justice was manipulated or in jeopardy.

The differences in opinion and ideology my mom and I experienced is not uncommon for parents and children around the world. Experiences and expectations can be different from one generation to the next, seeing the same world through different lenses.

This is happening in the church as well as in the secular world. Two Christians (reading the same Bible and loving the same God) can look at an issue and land on exact opposite sides, convinced the other is in the wrong and feeling justified in their position because they’ve convinced themselves that God is on their side.

It’s okay to disagree, and it’s okay to debate. The trouble comes when we put our faith and confidence in people. When we hold systems, human beings, and ideologies in such high esteem that we’re willing to lose what’s important over them, we’ve placed them in a position of idolatry over God. When we convince ourselves that our way is God’s way, we’ve flip-flopped how we were made to live and worship. When we say our way is God’s way instead of the other way around, we’ve attempted to put God in a box that will suit our way of thinking.

The prophet Micah called out God’s people for straying away from the life God wanted for them. He had some harsh words for the Israelites and for their leaders who had led them astray. He also had some good advice for how to make it right. Rather than a big show of sacrifice and offerings, he said to simply “act justly…love mercy…walk humbly with God” (Micah 6:8 NIV).

Psalm 146 also offers advice on where to place our trust—not in leaders and mankind, but in God. Leaders and policy will change, but God is constant. The example of how to live is clear in this psalm. It says the Lord executes justice for the exploited, gives food to the hungry, and frees the prisoners. He opens the eyes of the blind and raises up the oppressed, he loves those who love him, and he protects the alien, orphans, and widows (verses 7–9).

What would happen if we all decided to question and scrutinize our notions and the leaders to whom we look? What would happen if we sought justice and mercy for the oppressed, marginalized, and displaced? What would happen if we put the needs of others before our own, swallowed our criticisms of those who think differently, and made walking humbly with God our goal every day?

I don’t know the answer, but I do know that walking humbly with God isn’t easy. It means holding our tongue, swallowing our pride, admitting we don’t have the answers to our differences, and looking to God for guidance instead of to people. Are we ready to submit ourselves, our desires, our needs, and our opinions to God? Can we put those things aside when it comes to our neighbors—even the neighbors with whom we disagree?

I don’t have confidence that we can—at least not on our own. But I do have confidence in God and that he loves us enough to teach us mercy and justice in spite of ourselves.

Stephanie Clinton is a writer and blogger but more importantly, a wife and mother to two little boys. In her free time (if there is any) she can be found wiping snotty noses and volunteering in her community and school. Learn more about Stephanie along with her passion to encourage women and lighten their load at www.hugskissesandsnot.com.

Photograph © Priscilla Du Preez, used with permission