It's Fine to Be Vulnerable - The Glorious Table

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

Why do we answer that question with “I’m fine”? Are we really? “Fine” is rarely a truthful answer to the question for me. I’m either great, or I’m really not.

Sometimes a stranger is asking the question, and it might not make sense to alarm that person by going into a ten-minute diatribe about why we are or are not fine. However, when a friend or closer acquaintance is asking, shouldn’t we answer as truthfully as we can?

I believe beauty is in our vulnerabilities. When we share our struggles, we share our humanity. We find solidarity. We find common ground and get to know God’s creation more intimately. When we share with those who are following Christ, our vulnerabilities allow us to be challenged to be more like him.

Why, then, are we so hesitant to be vulnerable with others?

We Don’t Know How

I recently finished reading the novel Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine with my book club friends. It’s about a character who says she’s fine when she isn’t. She comes to understand this and to heal, and by the end of the book she’s a lot closer to being fine. In our discussion, it was interesting to dive into why we say we’re fine when we’re not. In general, we decided, it comes down to choosing with whom we’re willing to be vulnerable.

My husband and I moved many times in our first few years of marriage. We eventually developed skills at building new relationships, but our first few experiences were almost comically tragic. We had friends, but the relationships were primarily shallow because they weren’t built on vulnerability. When it came time to move, I’m not sure anyone was even sad! “There go those people we didn’t even know very well!” Fortunately, God grew us in this area, and now we have rich friendships all over the country.

We’re Afraid to Risk

James and I are planting a church, and we make it a point to be vulnerable and transparent as much as possible. But we both understand the risks because we’ve experienced some disturbing results.

We once shared about some of our challenges with sin. Later, when I kindly asked one of our church members to be cautious about the types of photos she posts on social media, she threw the sin struggle we’d shared back at me. It stung. I’d spent countless hours and both church and personal funds trying to love her well. I thought she knew who I was: a struggling sinner trying to follow Jesus and love his people.

This is a reasonably benign example of the risk of vulnerability. Stories of hurt far worse than mine abound. But for all the reasons I mentioned before, the risk is worthwhile. The question is, How will we react when vulnerability leads to hurt? Will we cling to our hurt? Or will we try to understand? What I failed to remember was that this woman was a struggling sinner too. I knew her story, and she was lashing out at being gently corrected because she didn’t know any other way.

We Haven’t Assessed Our Relationships

To be confident in our vulnerability, we must evaluate the relationships in our lives for their general safety. Of course, we’re all broken, so we shouldn’t cut off a friend or family member from our vulnerability for just one mistake. However, some individuals have proven themselves unsafe, and it’s absolutely reasonable and healthy to create boundaries for our vulnerabilities with those people.

If you’ve been hurt by one or even several people, have you eliminated vulnerability from all of your relationships? I suggest you find one or two safe friends or family members and push against the fear. Where there is beauty, there is risk. If we don’t risk, we find ourselves with mostly shallow relationships. It’s worth the risk to push through any fear to find the beauty.

I have a biweekly lunch with a friend who’s part of our core team for the church plant. We’ve walked through a bit of conflict, but a sense of safety has developed between us. It’s a beautiful friendship where many vulnerabilities have been shared on both sides. I know I can speak to her with confidence that what I say won’t go beyond her husband, and I receive encouragement and gentle correction from her.

I encourage all of us to show vulnerability yet evaluate how much vulnerability we show. We should all belong to a group of people with whom we feel comfortable being completely vulnerable. We might belong to another group where we’re honest but hold back in a few areas. Of course, we can also be real yet not overshare with strangers. And as I indicated before, we might have a relationship or two where we need to set some boundaries as they relate to vulnerability.

The next time a friend or acquaintance asks you how you are, think about your answer before you speak. Don’t say you’re fine if you’re not. Be willing to share. Be willing to be vulnerable.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, church planter, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversation with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and having people over. Amy blogs with her husband at fringechurch.com.