Your Personality Is Not Your Excuse

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. (1 Cor. 12:14-18 ESV)

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m a __ on the Enneagram, so I just can’t help myself.”

This comment, posted in a thread on Facebook and intended to justify the words preceding it, gave me pause.

There it was again, the personality-type-as-justification. We’ve been here before, I thought, mentally aping an exchange between Luke Danes and Lorelai Gilmore of Gilmore Girls fame, I recognize that tree.

Personality inventories can be helpful, and they tend to have runs of popularity. In the early 2000s, it seemed everyone I knew would tell you their Myers-Briggs personality type on first meeting. In the late 2000s, every Christian I knew was big on Strengthsfinder. There are the Four Temperaments, the DISC assessment. These days, it’s the Enneagram that’s on everyone’s lips. Knowing your personality’s strengths and weaknesses can certainly be useful. It can help you choose a career, understand how you relate to your family and friends, identify your love languages.

But what happens when we get a little too comfortable with, a little too accepting of, our weaknesses? What happens when we refuse to be stretched, allowing our weaknesses–in essence, allowing our sinful natures–to drive our behavior, our words, our choices?

You just can’t help yourself? I wondered silently at my internet commenter, Or you have found an excuse not to help yourself?

Personality is a gift, the Bible makes that pretty clear–we are all created in the image of God, and yet we are all unique, made to fit together like parts of a body (see the verse from 1 Corinthians, above). We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14).

The other side of the coin is our fallenness. We sin; we are weak; we will not be made perfect until heaven. At the same time, in spite of our inherent sinful nature, we are not excused from responsibility. Rather, we are called upon to take a higher road. In fact, in Matthew 5:30, Jesus says:

“And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell,” (ESV).

That sounds extreme, doesn’t it? We know Jesus was nothing if not just, though, so this command must be just. What he is getting at here, with this rather gruesome metaphor, is that we ought to run from sin.

And let’s be clear: sin isn’t always grandiose. In fact, it usually isn’t. Sometimes it is just plain petty. It’s prideful. It’s fearful. It’s selfish. It’s indulgent.

What is your indulgent refrain? I’m an Introvert. I’m a Feeler. I’m a Sanguine. I’m a Dominant. I have Adaptability. I’m a 7 with a 3 wing. And this is why it’s OK for me to ________.

Been there? Me, too.

One of my favorite exhortations from the apostle Paul is this: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” More broadly, I take this to mean that we are not to exasperate others, our children included, if we can help it. Indeed, one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control (see Gal. 5:22-23).

Not that any of this is easy. But the work we are called to do–the work worth doing–for the glory of God is never easy, is it?

I’ll never forget my first professional 360 review, ten years ago. One of my colleagues anonymously reported that I was “abrasive.” When I heard that, I thought, No, I’m not! I’m assertive. That person obviously can’t handle assertive people. He or she must be oversensitive!

It took me a little while to learn that if I wanted to have good relationships with the highly sensitive people I encountered professionally (and personally), it wouldn’t hurt me to do a little work. It didn’t hurt me to figure out that I can be gentle while still being firm. That I can hold a line without bringing a tenderhearted person to tears. (Oh yes, that happened. More than once, unfortunately.)

Assertiveness is not always a strength, you see. But more importantly, it’s no longer an excuse for me.

In hindsight, I’m tremendously thankful to that anonymous person who labeled me “abrasive.” He or she started me on a journey of pursuing gentleness, one that certainly hasn’t been perfect, but one the Lord has honored–and today, I’m seeing its fruit in my mothering, in my friendships, in my marriage. I still have “miles to go before I sleep,” but if I’m being honest, I like myself a lot better than I did a decade ago.

Personality inventories are tools, they are not excuses. They aren’t intended to give us permission to indulge our weaknesses. They are intended to help us pinpoint areas in which we can grow. So the next time you’re tempted to indulge yourself in a personality-weakness-based decision or response, pause a moment. Dial it back. Ask yourself what you can do differently. Ask yourself how the Lord might be asking you to move beyond yourself. Ask him to help you be the clay in his loving hands.

“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Sam. 16:7 ESV)

Harmony Harkema has loved the written word for as long as she can remember. A former English teacher turned editor, she has spent the past nine years in the publishing industry. A writer herself in the fringe hours of her working-and-homeschooling mom life, Harmony also has a heart for leading and coaching aspiring writers. Harmony lives in Memphis with her husband and two small daughters. She blogs at harmonyharkema.com.

Photograph © Caique Silva, used with permission