An Open Letter to Adult Children

Dear adult child,

I know, I know. You’re an adult. It happened at age eighteen or so. But you will always be somebody’s child. Maybe you realize that all too well because your parents drive you crazy! No matter what you say, no matter how you pray, no matter how you confront them in love, they never seem to change.

What’s wrong with them? Or is it you? Of course not, you think. You’re normal. You live in reality, you have an education (one they may or may not have paid for), and you know when to keep your mouth shut. They obviously don’t. Filters, if they ever possessed them, have flown the coop. Lord, have mercy.

This is a conversation I had with my mother:

“Mom, why do you think it’s necessary to say every single thought that comes into your head out loud?”

“Hahahahahahahaha. I’m going to tell all my friends you said that! You are so funny!”

She did tell her friends. And then she told me she did—many times. Did she change from this little interaction? Did filters suddenly appear from my bold-but-gentle approach? Uh, no. She must have thought I was joking. I was not joking.

Dad wasn’t perfect either. He decided to write his autobiography for us five kids—twelve typed pages. When it was read at his funeral, I noticed a glaring omission: my birth and life. He forgot me. Not even “We had another kid, a redheaded one.” Nope. He was a smart engineer, great builder, and master fisherman, but he skipped right over child number four.

I could get seriously frustrated with that non-mention and go into therapy for several years, blaming all my imperfections on that one slip-up. “My dad messed up, so that’s why I’m messed up!” (Modern therapy was developed for adult children to find comfort in learning their problems are their parents’ fault! What-a-relief.com is the most popular adult children therapy site—free for all kids who can finagle their folks into financing twenty-five sessions before the next family reunion. Okay, okay, I’m joking—but if you’re looking for a new start-up . . . )

Mind you, we need therapy. I’m all for it. We also need lots of grace. I need to remember my folks did their best and forget the times when they didn’t.

My folks are in Glory now, having the gabfest and fish fry of their forever lives, and I find myself crying over the silliest things. I wish I could ask Mom, “How in the world did you manage having all those children with so little money?” I want to say to Dad, “Tell me again how you knew it was okay to get married with a hundred dollars in your pocket and how you knew Mom was the one for you.” I’m tearing up now as I write.

Here’s a conversation I wish I could have:

“Mom, did you ever worry that one of us would leave God or marry a non-believer or die before you did?”

“Of course I did. But then I would get out my bucket and fill it with Spic and Span. (Don’t go generic on the Spic and Span, Sue. It’s not worth the few pennies you’ll save.) I scrubbed that big, white kitchen floor on my hands and knees and prayed for all of you all the time. That’s why I got you that bucket and those brushes for your bridal shower, remember?”

“Yes, I remember. I use a mop or hire a college girl to do my floors, but, yes, I’ll just keep praying. Thanks, Mom.”

You need to remember that someday your annoying and sometimes hurtful parents will be gone. You’ll miss that chance to say I love you and I forgive you.

I write this letter to those of you who still can have these conversations.

Dare I add this? Stop bellyaching, stop blaming, stop avoiding hard conversations, and love on those two humans who gave you life. Imperfect parents are all the rage. You may even be one. Talk to someone who can help you be gracious and loving to your folks while they still breathe on this earth. You won’t regret it. We can never regret loving better and greater.

It won’t just be good for your parents; it will be good for you. God said so in this commandment with a promise: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12 ESV). God knew we would struggle with our parents because they’re imperfect people, like us, so he added the promise of a reward: you’ll live a long life if you obey.

How do we honor our folks? By how we speak to them and how we speak of them. By how we live our own lives and how we help them as they age. By how we forgive them and move on.

Some parents never get used to the idea that their children are no longer kids. They blindly barge through boundaries built with everyone’s interests in mind. They may never see our “side” or point. They didn’t get the handout titled, “How to Parent Adult Kids.” Of course, we didn’t get the handout titled, “Help! My Parents Still Think I’m Nine!”

I didn’t say it was easy, but I look back and wish I’d done a better job of honoring my folks. The same instructions God provides for all difficult relationships apply even more to families: bear with one another, forgive one another, speak the truth in love, and build up one another with your words. God promises to give us all we need to carry out these commands and live well on earth.

Second Corinthians 9:8 says, “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work” (ESV). All the sufficiency. All we need. Did you see all the “all’s?” No? Read it again, say a prayer, and call your mother.

Editor’s Note: We recognize that readers of The Glorious Table may have experienced trauma or abuse as children at the hands of their parents. This post is not meant to make light of those situations, nor to suggest that setting clear boundaries is not sometimes necessary for mental and emotional health. We hold space for those of us who have experienced damaging relationships and pray that God will guide us through these difficult places to the peace and healing that come with his perfect love.

As a retreat speaker, Bible teacher, or workshop leader, Sue Moore Donaldson loves sharing who God is with whoever comes her way. For her, intentional hospitality for the sake of Jesus is a joy and a privilege, and she knows it can be learned! Sue encourages you to find the reality and joy of knowing God through his Word – and that can happen at any kitchen table or back porch or BBQ. Sue and her husband Mark reside in San Luis Obispo, California where they’ve raised three daughters. Find more from Sue at Welcome Heart.

Photograph © Raw Pixel, used with permission