Not Who I Was
The invitation came in the mail and immediately sent me spinning down memory lane. How was it already time for our twenty-year high school reunion? Graduation felt like yesterday. It also felt like a completely separate lifetime.
As the class of 1998 took to Facebook to share dusty photos dug out of attics and basements, I found myself laughing and then cringing in quick succession. So many of our carefree shenanigans had been just for the fun of it, back when “going viral” was a medical concern. We thought we were hilarious, and that was more than enough for us.
As I stared at my teenage face, I couldn’t help being transported back to that time. I was painfully shy. I loved to laugh with my friends and be silly with the ones who knew me best, but the thought of speaking up in class gave me a stomachache. I was terrified of sharing my thoughts and ideas with anyone whose opinion of me was in question. Standing up for myself was not an option if it might make someone else uncomfortable.
My senior year of high school, I strived for academic success because I didn’t want to seem dumb. I joined every club I could because I didn’t want to seem lonely. I performed on stage with the drama club and the chorus ensemble because I didn’t want to seem untalented. I was on the cheerleading squad because I didn’t want to seem boring.
All that striving eventually culminated in the terrifying experience of being led off the football sidelines to visit with paramedics. That night kicked off a week of being poked and prodded before being cleared by a cardiologist. We declared it a mystery and moved on with life. Only recently have I realized it must have been a panic attack brought on by the impossible pressure I put on myself.
After twenty years, I have the hindsight to look back at that high school girl and see how incredibly insecure she was.
Despite being a Christian most of my life, it took many years for me to truly grasp who I am in Christ. My college years gave me the opportunity to stand on my own with Jesus and forge a stronger bond with him. I slowly began to see myself in a new light.
Once we begin to see ourselves in the light of Christ’s sacrifice and love, we develop a deeper understanding of our worth. And that changes everything. The walls I had so carefully constructed as if from stones of remembrance (of disappointments, hurts, and my perceived inadequacies) began to be slowly dismantled.
With every biblical declaration I found, another stone came down.
- I have been created with a purpose (Ephesians 2:10).
- I have been chosen (Ephesians 1:4).
- I have been redeemed (Ephesians 1:7).
- I have been set free (Galatians 5:1).
- I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Once the walls were down, I took the next step and allowed myself to be vulnerable. In conversations with friends, discussions at Bible studies, and chats with other moms at the park, I learned to let down my guard about my imperfect places. The most incredible thing happened. God began to redeem every insecurity, every hurt, and every disappointment by allowing me to share grace with those who are also struggling.
Our broken places are where the light of grace shines brightest. God uses our messes, our pasts, and our stories to paint a beautiful portrait of his grace, mercy, and glory. He creates beauty from ashes, and often, that beauty looks like tears of empathy, words of acceptance, and relieved realizations that we’re not alone.
I’m not who I was back in high school. Crow’s feet, badly covered grays, and too many extra pounds are a few more obvious ways I’ve changed. But the biggest change has come from taking my thoughts captive. The Lord has replaced words like dumb, lonely, untalented, and boring with truths such as chosen, redeemed, purposed, and free.
I’m so glad I’m not who I was twenty years ago, and I’m so grateful I’m not who I will be in another twenty years.
If we allow, the Lord will continue to speak his truth over our lives. He will prune us and shape us and lead us down the paths he created just for us. He will bring daily opportunities for his light to shine through our broken places and share his grace with those around us.
Second Corinthians 5:16–18 (MSG) says, “Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other.”
is a wife and a mom of three. She recently moved to Atlanta, where she’s trying her best to be a responsible adult but feels like she’s mostly flying by the seat of her pants. She blogs at ashleydoylepooser.com.
Photograph © Sage Kirk, used with permission
