No More Fire Lighting
It wasn’t my idea to read a book about childhood sexual abuse. I didn’t read it because I suffered abuse, but because I have friends and family members who did. Halfway through the book, in a chapter called “Styles of Relating,” suddenly I was seeing myself. No, I didn’t recover repressed memories of abuse. This chapter is about how victims of abuse develop self-preservation styles for relating to others. Wait! I do that. Don’t we all do that? Is it wrong?
Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys the voice of his servant?
Let him who walks in darkness
and has no light
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.
Behold, all you who kindle a fire,
who equip yourselves with burning torches!
Walk by the light of your fire,
and by the torches that you have kindled!
This you have from my hand:
You shall lie down in torment.
(Is. 50:10-11, ESV)
The author, Dr. Dan Allender says, The opposite of trusting God in the midst of darkness is the word picture of lighting one’s own fire.
Why is this important? If we ignore or trivialize our self-protective manner of dealing with people, we will inevitably overlook the deepest sin of the heart: our fallen commitment to take charge of our life so we will never be hurt or shamed as we were in the past. And if we fail to recognize and repent of the sins of the heart, we will not deeply change. We will not deeply love.
I once heard that shyness is a form of conceitedness. My first thought was, “Nuh uh! We shy people think too little of ourselves, not too much. Who said that, and who did he think he was?” As much as it hurt to think this observation might be true, I couldn’t stop pondering it. Am I shy or merely self-centered?
Well! Either way, it’s not my fault. God gave me this personality, so he can’t blame me for it.
I really, really wanted to rest in that thought. It’s not my fault! People should understand. I need sympathy, not criticism. Can’t they see I’m shy?
No, many of them couldn’t. It was at my first job after high school that I learned that to some people my tightly zipped protective shell made me look exactly like someone who was stuck up. True or not, I was obviously not giving the impression of being a deeply loving person.
I don’t suppose all shy people are alike. It’s difficult to say since we don’t often talk to each other. But I admit I was protecting myself. I didn’t want people to notice me. If I couldn’t avoid it, at least I would never be doing anything that might allow someone to hurt or shame me.
I had to stay cool and in control for those moments when I might be noticed, which meant at all times. I had to be ever vigilant so that no one could startle me. I refused to look silly or vulnerable. I couldn’t be made to cry or appear to be afraid. I thought.
I was in grade school when an adult told me I had a dry sense of humor. Whatever that was. All I knew was that it meant I could make her laugh. I developed dry humor into scathing sarcasm. That’s funny, right? Unless you’re on the receiving end. In my circle of friends in high school, we would often engage in “cut-down” contests. If anyone ever bothered to aim his wit at me, it would only be once. I was impervious, and my self-defense strategy was to make sure it wasn’t worthwhile for anyone to make fun of me.
My homemade suit of armor might have endured a lifetime of service if I hadn’t also been telling Jesus I wanted to be more like him. He knew where all the weak links were in my chainmail, and he pried each one apart, leaving larger and larger openings over vital organs.
Every separation from family and friends, every nudge or swift kick out of my comfort zone was a step toward teaching me to trust in God when what I wanted to do was kindle my own torch.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb. 12:11, ESV).
I don’t believe God engineered my parents’ divorce to make me grow into a stronger person. But I know he can use the selfish decisions of others for the good of his children. No human counselor would recommend a course of therapy for a shy person that included moving to a different state every year of junior high school. But God doesn’t let that sort of thing go to waste in the process of making a new creature.
When I was a young wife and mother of two small boys, the poor economy in our area necessitated a move out of state, disconnecting us from our entire support system. New state, new city, new neighborhood, new job; no phone, no church, no torch.
The United States Army was responsible for our next move, to a different country altogether. That certainly hadn’t been in our plan. We couldn’t see how it could be in God’s plan either.
Was Desert Storm then orchestrated so I could be left in a foreign country with three small children while my husband went to war? No, but God knew where I would be when it did happen, and he used it to continue to shape me.
These circumstances happened many years ago. I could go on with more lessons. But these are some of the most vividly drawn dividing lines in my life. I look back and see the ME before each move, then the ME after each. Through each of these experiences, the “Old Woman” was dying a little more. She was becoming a “New Woman.”
I know the discipline isn’t over. It will go on until Christ is formed in me. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. (Heb. 12:6, ESV)
As I look back over the means Jesus has used to form me, I see how gentle he has been with me. We all suffer trauma as we grow, but my burdens were tailor-made for me by my creator. Oh, it hurt at the time! It was unpleasant to have to look honestly at the weaknesses I’d spent a lifetime trying to conceal from the world. It is painful to have that concealment exposed as sin. Thank the Lord, he doesn’t leave us lying exposed without comfort.
Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed (Heb. 12:12-13, ESV). I don’t want to think about the pain I’d be in now if I hadn’t allowed myself to be healed.
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord (Heb. 12:14, ESV).
“Lord, I don’t want to walk by the torch I have kindled for myself. I want to trust in you and walk by your light so that I may see you on That Day.”
Through the gift of a faithful mother and grandmother, grew up knowing Jesus as a friend. Married for nearly two-thirds of her life, there has been time for several seasons, from homeschooling to owning a coffee shop. She has three grown children and eight grandchildren. An element of this season is writing about literature and life at Plumfield and Paideia.
Photograph © Lucaxx Freire, used with permission
I too was painfully shy as a child and into my early adult years. I too learned that people received it as “stuck up” and unfriendly. That breaks my heart because what they didn’t know was the fear lurking that said if you put yourself out there someone is going to make fun of you. They didn’t see the lack of confidence and doubt that wondered if I had anything valuable to contribute. It is hard to be shy. Strangely the Lord called me to be the leader of women’s ministry and I was forced to confront the fear, confidence issues, and doubt. I find myself hyper aware now of the image I might be projecting. I am not fake, but I do have to talk myself into being less shy and more approachable.