When the Nest Is Empty

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 NASB)

Here’s the rub: You’ve done your job as parents, and now your children have left to establish a family and/or life of their own. Whether they’re single or married, they may have chosen a job or career that takes them far enough from home that you won’t see them daily, weekly, monthly, or maybe even yearly. This creates separation anxiety—for you as the parent! You miss your kids, and you miss the crazy, busy, chaotic life you probably complained about when you were in the middle of it.

How do you accept the place in life you and your adult children have reached? How do you continue to nurture those roots you worked so hard to create when distance and everyday life make time together less frequent?

Refine Your Marriage

My first advice is for young married couples in the throes of parenting: nurture your marriage in the first place. Please make time for each other a priority. Sustaining a happy and healthy marriage will be even more important when the kids are gone. You don’t want to wake up the morning after your last child leaves the nest and realize you’re married to a stranger. Make sure you have a regular date night, do a church or club activity together, or participate in a sport together—something!

But if you do find yourself in trouble once the kids are gone, do something about it. It’s never too later to revive and nurture your marriage!

Redefine Your Role

When I had to deal with being an empty nester, I began by redefining myself as a woman, a Christian, an employee, a friend—not just a mother. I looked for other relationships and outlets for my time and talents. I reconnected with activities and people I hadn’t had time for while I was so busy parenting. All this helped me have reasonable expectations for my grown children, not making them my sole or even major source of companionship and entertainment. It helped me appreciate, instead of resent, my newfound freedom.

Realign Communication Expectations

The next hurdle was realigning expectations for communication with my adult sons. When they left the nest, I would have loved to talk to them every day, but I wanted to give them space and not hover too much. I consciously decided not to call our oldest for one full week (or maybe it was two) after he left for college. When I finally talked to him, he confessed he was a bit hurt that I hadn’t called. Lesson learned.

Going forward, we talked about what each of us needed or was reasonable for, so we could stay in touch. My sons all knew they had to call their mama on Sunday to check in, that they could certainly call anytime, and that I would always call them if something important was going on. To this day, they still call home on Sundays. They know we need to hear their voice and know they’re doing okay, and to be able to tell them we love them. Skype or FaceTime also make us feel closer. Yes, we randomly email and text in between Sundays with no expectation of immediate response, and technology has made communication easier, but it can be too impersonal. An interactive phone call can’t be replaced by a text message—especially when auto-correct takes over!

Realize They’ve Gained More Family

Each of our sons’ marriages required our accommodating a daughter-in-law who had her own roots and family. I often reminded myself of the Genesis verse about a man leaving his father and mother, which is, of course, also applicable to women. When our children marry, they become one with their spouses—but with two families! And if either party has suffered the unhappiness of divorce, they could have four families with roots and traditions they’ll want to honor. Although I confess I wasn’t always grace-filled when it came to “sharing” my boys, I was determined not to be the demanding, high maintenance mother-in-law.

 

The holidays can be a stressful family time, made more so if we demand that none of our traditions be changed. The first Christmas I had a new daughter-in-law, I learned her family always celebrated on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day became the day we were all together, and that’s been just fine. Jesus is still the reason for the season.

Some families alternate between destinations, and that works for a while. But someday, when your kids have kids, they’re going to tell Grandma and Grandpa they’re not traveling for Christmas. That’s okay. Put yourself in their shoes, and if you can travel to them, do it! It’s not about where you are, but who you’re with. If you try to guilt them into thinking they don’t visit often enough, keep “score” about how much time they spend with the “other side” of the family, or expect them to do everything you plan when they visit, they won’t want to be with you!

Refrain from Giving Unsolicited Advice

Don’t succumb to the temptation to give unsolicited advice to your grown children. This is a hard one for most of us. We want them to benefit from our experience, avoid making what we think is a mistake, and raise their kids like we raised ours (after all, they turned out just fine!). If you’re tempted to give advice, do so as a mentor giving encouragement, not as a saint passing judgment. Ask questions of your children that will open the door for them to ask for your counsel.

And to those grown children who still have their parents, be humble and admit you don’t have all the answers. Then you can ask for and accept advice from your parents. Proverbs 12:15 reminds us, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel” (NASB).

If our heavenly Father is our role model, we’ll find great joy in our independent children, even when they sometimes get too busy or forget to call us. We’ll always be there for them, waiting expectantly for them to come home and enjoying time with them without strings attached. We’ll continue to pray for them and love them unconditionally, so they will always be rooted in love even when they’ve flown away.

Jill Brouhard is a retired medical practice administrator living in southeast Michigan. She and her husband Jerry raised three sons who are all Eagle Scouts. Jill is a self-described “boy mom” who embraced scouting, cycling, and Star Wars so she was not left out of family activities. She has three grandchildren she loves to spoil whenever she gets the chance. She enjoys scrapbooking, bicycle touring, and being involved in the women’s ministry at her church.

Photograph © Soroush Karimi, used with permission