Give Them Roots and Wings

For more than thirty years I have had a little devotional card–you know, those little cards about the size of a credit card–stuck to my kitchen cabinet door. It was published by ©Abbey Press, and I honestly don’t remember where I got it. On the front it simply says, “Lord, make me wise enough to let my children fly on their own . . .”  On the back it continues with a prayer by B.J. Hoff: “When I long to keep them safely in the nest, give me the wisdom to see they must try their wings. When I long to make the flight for them, give me the courage to let them go alone and the faith to watch them fly away, knowing that love will be their guide and will gently turn them home.” It concludes with the Scripture, “Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them,” (Deut. 32:11).

Easy to say, easy to pray that prayer, much harder to do! So, how do you raise children who are ready to leave the nest and fly on their own? I don’t have all the answers. I can only share my experience raising three boys who were very different personalities! I was good at the “roots” part: creating traditions, steady routines, and family memories that my grown children still cling to. I can tell you that I am grateful for my husband, my parenting partner, who helped tremendously with the “wings” part. I don’t want to sound gender biased, but fathers seem willing to let kids push the envelope more than mothers. Hopefully one of the parents at your house fits each of these roles.

Pray Daily and Specifically

First, I prayed daily and specifically for my children. I jokingly modified the Scripture in James 5:16 and would say to them, “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous mother avails much.” I trusted in the goodness of God to protect and care for them when they were out of my sight and care. Of course, we would tell our boys what to do in a given situation, caution them about pitfalls or consequences, and occasionally threaten them that if they did this or that they were going to be in big trouble! All were loving efforts to keep them on the straight and narrow or out of danger when they were on their own. I have often used the analogy of “the hole in the ground” to describe how each of our children heeded our advice. The instructions were, “If you step in that hole, you are going to get hurt so be careful and watch where you are walking.”

Child #1 would approach the “hole,” look inside, and then choose whether or not to step in it anyway. He always had to decide for himself if there might be something in the hole worth seeing or learning that outweighed the risk of possible harm. Child#2 was always a compliant and obedient child and just went around the “hole” every time. Child#3 seemed to step in the “hole” every time. It was not because he was defiant, although sometimes he was. It was more that he was a dreamer and sometimes just forgot the “hole” was a problem. Interestingly, they are now all in their 40’s, and each of them has been Child #1 or #2 or #3 at some phase of their life! So, let your children step in the “holes.” There will be trips to the emergency room and anxiety-filled moments whenever something bad happens. Give them permission to try new things, get it wrong, and try again. You will be giving them wings.

Offer Plenty of Grace

Second, give them forgiveness and grace and a “get out of jail free card.” Home should be a safe and supportive nest. A judgment-free zone. (Note: judgment-free does not mean a lack of accountability.) How will our children ever understand the forgiveness and grace of their Heavenly Parent if they don’t first experience that same forgiving and grace-filled spirit in their earthly parents? As our children reached their teen years, we told them life was like a Monopoly game. They had one free pass to call us if they were in trouble–no questions asked. If they were at a party and things got out of hand, they should call and we would come and get them. If they were in an uncomfortable situation with a friend, they could call and we would rescue them and not expect them to rat on their friend. You get the idea. Fortunately, we never had to bail someone out of jail. When our son called from San Francisco and said he wanted to come home, I got him a plane ticket for the next day. He came home penniless and defeated because his dream job did not materialize. We let him rest and emotionally heal and never asked why. Eventually he wanted to talk, and we were there to listen. Because home was safe. He had roots and knew he was unconditionally loved.

Teach Self-Sufficiency

Finally, give your kids the practical life skills to be self-sufficient. From toddler age on, our children were expected to participate in family life, which included chores. As they grew, they apprenticed alongside their dad when he worked on the cars, rewired electrical outlets, mowed the grass, or fixed anything. When I returned to work full-time, one of my sons pleadingly asked, “Are we ever going to have homemade chocolate chip cookies again?” He was in middle school. My answer was, “Yup, as soon as you learn how to make them.” The next weekend we baked together. He is now a single father and makes the best chocolate chip bar cookies EVER. As you watch your children gain life skills, it will be natural and so much easier to let them fly.

When our oldest left for college, he loaded his belongings in our van and headed off. He had specifically requested that we come up later that day to pick up the van and check out his dorm room. He insisted he and his roommate could handle the unloading and loft setup. We arrived later that afternoon. and the room looked amazing. His dad asked if he could help set up the stereo. Nope, that was all done. I said, “Can I at least make your bed?” Nope, that was done. The next day my husband was visibly sad. When I asked him what was wrong, he began to cry (not something he usually does). “He didn’t need us at all yesterday,” he said. I gave him a hug and said, “Congratulations Dad, you did your job well. We gave him roots and wings. He’s going to be just fine.”

Jill Brouhard is a retired medical practice administrator living in southeast Michigan. She and her husband Jerry raised three sons who are all Eagle Scouts. Jill is a self-described “boy mom” who embraced scouting, cycling, and Star Wars so she was not left out of family activities. She has three grandchildren she loves to spoil whenever she gets the chance. She enjoys scrapbooking, bicycle touring, and being involved in the women’s ministry at her church.

Photograph © Adrien Taylor, used with permission