How to Love Your Faraway Family Well

Summer will have come and gone by the time anyone reads this. We will have made it through the season of all our family and friends wondering if we are going to visit our hometown, the time of decision-making about whether or not we should take a family vacation, the time of wondering if we should do anything at all or just stay and enjoy the place where God planted us for this season of our military life.

Moments and maybe even whole days of stress will have been our company during some of that time. Telling people no, we cannot visit this summer (or at Thanksgiving or Christmas or whenever), is so hard. Our parents want to see us and their grandkids. Longtime friendships may have grown quiet, even though we still think of them all the time and wish we could catch up in person more easily.

Some military families take family vacations frequently, both to visit family and to travel to new places. Every family is different, though, and we do not fit into that group. Traveling with our four-going-on-five kids feels stressful, but we didn’t want the stress of travel to determine how many babies we had to love, so we kept on having them at the intervals God determined. We just added a small dog to the mix too, which my kids have been wanting for quite some time, so that complicates things even more.

Our life at home is just as we like it, though. We have seen and felt the hand of God in the way our family has grown. We enjoy each of our kids, and the dog has been such a fun addition. At the same time, there’s a tension between loving our extended family well and living our own nuclear family life.

We just spent four years abroad at a location relatively difficult (and expensive) to travel to and from. We returned to the continental US a year ago, and now we feel the pull on our heartstrings to visit all the people who have missed us. Yet the reality is that we have a lot going on and people who have needs right here in our own house, even though our circumstances have changed.

My first job as a wife and mama is to consider the needs of the little people God has given me to love, serve, and shepherd. We homeschool our kids, which might seem like it would give us freedom, and it can, but it is hard to keep up with school on the road. I have to wonder if I am actually doing my kids a disservice when we’re gone from our home too much. Some people don’t feel stress when they travel with a group like ours, but we do. We must consider our own mental health and the health of our kids. Other families have different considerations: finances, travel time, lodging during the stay and along the way, public school absences.

Sometimes all the different opinions, options, and tensions make me want to throw up my hands and just stay home. When that happens, I know my best response is to get on my knees and ask God what he would have me do. Even with his help and the grace that comes with salvation, sometimes I know I will disappoint those I love with our final decision.

So how can we love one another well?

1. Give each other grace, for all that comes along with a busy family life, and for making hard decisions.
2. If you have a military family connection, either family or a friend you’d love to see, and they are not able to visit you in your home during their stay, be willing to go to them when they are close by.
3. Understand that we will miss lots of birthdays, holidays, and other family celebrations. Please don’t hold this against us. Yes, we chose our jobs and lifestyle, perhaps for reasons that don’t make sense to you, but that doesn’t mean we don’t think of all the things we are missing or miss the people doing those things.
4. Let go of expectations. Life happens. Being flexible is the only way to peace.
5. Out-of-town or military family might just have something to offer you. Perhaps the chance to visit a new or exotic place? Think about going to see them for a visit, blessing them with the gift of your presence. It is delightful to have visitors!

God has given us all enough grace for this life, and sometimes I hope for an extra measure. If you have family who lives far from home, they may need the same thing–from you. It’s a precious gift you can give them.

Carla Clemens enjoys a crazy, beautiful life with her military husband and four sons. A baby and toddler interrupt her homeschool days in the best ways, and she is always attempting to live with mindfulness of each moment. She hopes to look at the world and each person in it in light of our amazing Creator and therefore, to see each moment presented as an opportunity to love and serve him more. Carla relishes time to ponder God’s Word and have quiet moments with him and her coffee. She loves doing life with other mamas and encouraging them to simply be who God has made them to be.

Photograph © Raw Pixel, used with permission