Words that Harm
You know the scene—the one with harmful words.
A character is talking about a boss, a coworker, or an acquaintance behind their back. Her intent isn’t good; her words are unkind. Yet she (or he) feels safe. The subject of this rant isn’t there and will never hear the words being spoken. She just needs to vent.
A few minutes in, the expressions of the people listening change from interested to unreadable. Yet their eyes widen as if they’re trying to send a warning without being too obvious: Stop talking!
The woman finally catches on: “She’s right behind me, isn’t she?”
In a comedy, a woman pulling at the hair of another woman or a man punching another man in the jaw as this scene progresses can be funny. In a drama, the targeted person’s face might show embarrassment or hurt before they turn and walk away, making us sad for them. Chances are that all will be at least forgotten by the end of the show, no matter its genre.
In real life, however, harmful words can cause deep and lasting damage—for both the one who speaks and the one who hears.
Murderous Words
Other than perhaps in self-defense or in defense of someone else in a dire life-and-death situation, most of us would never consider killing anyone. Yet how many of us have grievously wounded—or “killed”—with words?
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines character assassination as “the slandering of a person usually with the intention of destroying public confidence in that person.” Slander is defined as “the utterance of false charges or misrepresentations which defame and damage another’s reputation.” Libel is basically the same as slander, only written.
You can be in deep legal trouble if someone sues you for slander or libel, and you can be in deep spiritual trouble if murderous words become a pattern in your life.
Gossiping Words
Maybe gossip isn’t technically slander if what’s being said is true, and maybe it seems more harmless, but what about intent? Even if a statement of fact about someone might (and I emphasize might) need to be shared with someone else, potentially disqualifying it as gossip, what do we call it when the person making the statement surrounds it with personal, critical opinion? Will the result be tearing down someone’s character just the same?
Worse is this warning in Proverbs about an intent of wrongdoers: “Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip” (17:4 NLT). Listeners of gossip can tend to be gossipers themselves, and to listen to juicy tidbits with eagerness is a path to harmful words if ever there was one.
Careless Words
Even if we’ve avoided assassinating someone’s character or gossiping, most of us have never fully escaped the urge to utter careless words when we’re angry or frustrated.
Psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud has said, “Our words do not come from somewhere outside of us, as if we were a ventriloquist’s dummy. They are the product of our hearts.” He goes on to say, “Our saying, ‘I didn’t mean that,’ is probably better translated, ‘I didn’t want you to know I thought that about you.’”
When we’re caught throwing out careless words that harm someone, do we apologize with “I didn’t mean it” when we just don’t want them to know what hurtful opinions we hold about them in our hearts? That’s a sobering thought.
This is where I think of the apostle Paul’s confession in Romans 7:15 (NIV): “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Talking about other people’s faults or failings is so easy we can do it without even realizing we are until it’s too late. The words out of our mouths can’t be taken back.
Paul knew how serious failings of the tongue (or written word—think social media) can be, not only for others, but for himself. In 2 Corinthians 12:20 (NIV), he wrote, “I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder” (emphasis mine). Paul was worried.
Jesus didn’t mince words about our ability—and perhaps tendency—to utter careless words: “‘The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.’” (Matthew 12:35–36 NASB, emphasis mine). There’s another sobering thought—from our Lord.
Unless you’re one of those women about whom others say, “I’ve never heard her say a bad word about anyone,” you might be as uncomfortable as I am right now.
I can’t tell you I’ve conquered the temptation that comes with the ability to harbor or speak harmful words, intentionally or unintentionally. But I can offer this prayer on behalf of all of us who, like Paul, can find ourselves struggling to do what’s right, who are challenged to fully surrender the condition of our hearts to the only One who can truly cleanse us of harmful thoughts and conquer harmful words:
Lord, you’re right behind us, aren’t you? You’ve heard what we said, and you know that what came out of our mouths first came out of our hearts. Help us guard our tongues. Help us choke off the flow of careless, gossiping, and even murderous words. Help us temper or eradicate them in the first place by changing our hearts. And when we fall to temptation, when we begin to harm with words, whisper “Stop talking!” Help us ask for your forgiveness, and then strengthen our resolve to sincerely and with truth make amends with those we’ve hurt.
is a champion coffee drinker and a freelance editor and writer for Christian publishers and ministries. She doesn’t garden, bake, or knit, but insists playing Scrabble is exactly the same thing. Jean and her husband, Cal, live in central Indiana. They have three children (plus two who married in) and five grandchildren. She blogs at bloominwordstoo.blogspot.com.
Photograph © Marcus dePaula, used with permission
