Waiting in the Desert

And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, and the people of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” (Exodus 16:2–3 ESV)

I recently placed my grandmother on hospice care. This is the third time in the last seven years I’ve had to choose comfort care over medical intervention for a parent or grandparent. Watching people close to me die has become my norm. Yet more unbearable than the actual loss of a loved one is the wait for their suffering to end.

These are my deserts. This is my wilderness. The nurses and caregivers are my manna from heaven. They are my reminders that God cares, that he is sovereign in and through the pain as he provides physical comfort to my grandmother and emotional comfort to me through the care staff.

When Moses led the Israelites out of captivity in Egypt into the desert, they immediately doubted God’s plans. They didn’t believe he would provide for their needs. They whined and complained to Moses and Aaron, wanting to return to slavery over the potential for starvation and dehydration. They wanted to choose stability with Pharaoh over freedom with God.

The funny thing is, Moses had already spent forty years as a shepherd in that very same desert while God was equipping him to lead this ungrateful group of Israelites. His period of waiting was his preparation for something greater, as was the Israelites’ next forty years of searching for the promised land. Neither enjoyed the struggle, but it was necessary for the fulfillment of God’s bigger plan.

I feel this internal struggle in my soul as I am reluctant to let my ailing, ninety-two-year-old grandmother leave this earth. She is the last remaining piece of my mother and my childhood. I fear to loosen my grip on her life and trust God to give me peace and her freedom.

I felt the same fear and tension during my miscarriage, my mom’s death, my stepmom’s death, my uncle’s death, and my grandfather’s death. That old saying, “Let go and let God,” is easier said than done, especially when the people you love keep dying. Yet I know we are never really in control of ours or anyone else’s timeline here. Our earthly interference goes only so far in determining our lifespans. Despite our somewhat daunting healthcare choices, like advance directives, palliative care, and DNR orders, God ultimately decides when our time on earth is up, not us. We are simply along for the bumpy ride, not knowing the next step but hanging on for dear life (pardon the pun).

If we gather the manna he provides for us each day, he promises to provide more for the next day, despite our grumbling and cowardice. He says he will deliver us to the promised land when it’s time.

Dear Father, thank you for being a good and loving Father who provides for our every need and then takes us home according to your perfect will. Help us remember that you will continue to provide for us each day of our journey and that we need not hoard your goodness or boast of our own plans for earthly success. Help us learn to trust you and not ourselves. Amen.

Scripture for Reflection

Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” (James 4:14–15 ESV)

Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. (James 5:7–8 ESV)

Reach for More

Where do you need to choose gratitude for God’s goodness over fear regarding his plans? What are you hanging on to too tightly and need to hand over to God? Write down a list of people or things you are afraid to lose and release them to God’s care and timing instead of your false sense of control.

Lauren Flake writes about her journey as a wife, mom to two little girls and Alzheimer’s daughter in her native Austin, Texas, at For the Love of Dixie. Her first book, Where Did My Sweet Grandma Go? was published in 2016. She thrives on green tea, Tex-Mex, and all things turquoise.

Photograph © Nathan Dumlao, used with permission