Devotion: Do You Fight Fair?

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. (Matthew 5:9 ESV)

Our family recently celebrated four years of living in our dream home, a remodeled farmhouse on a few acres just outside city limits. It’s just the right mix of country and town life for us, close to the grocery store but with plenty of space to run and explore. My husband and I joke that we would never have moved here if not for the Great Haircut Argument of 2013.

The summer of 2013 was bittersweet. We welcomed a third baby to our family. We said goodbye to my beloved grandmother just a few weeks later. I dealt with all this change in the way I usually deal with change: I scheduled a haircut.

While my postpartum hair was luxurious, I wanted an easy hairstyle. To me, easy means short—really short. I left the salon with a fresh new cut and a mild case of lightheadedness from the removal of so much weight from my head.

I put on my biggest smile as my husband walked through the door that evening, excited to see his reaction. I was met with bulging eyes and silence. I mistakenly took this to mean he thought I looked hideous.

That evening we had one of the biggest fights of our marriage. I was wounded, while he was bewildered. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed in the morning. My husband said the drastic change had surprised him, and that he’d said nothing rather than risk hurtful words. I had misconstrued his silence as dislike. We forgave each other and were able to laugh at the fight.

Later that week, this house went on the market. We weren’t planning on moving, but I wanted to see the property. My husband agreed, not wanting to hurt my feelings twice in one week. By the end of the weekend, we were preparing our current house for sale and had made an offer on this delightful country home. To this day, my husband still jokes that we can’t afford another house each time I schedule a trim.

Conflict crops up in all our relationships, especially those with close ties. While conflict is inevitable, we can learn how to fight fair, honoring the other person and God in the process. Scripture overflows with wisdom concerning conflict resolution. Here are just a few of my favorite lessons.

Fight Face-to-Face

In our digital world, it’s even more crucial to resolve conflict face-to-face whenever possible. Words on a screen fail to convey tone, often leading to further misunderstanding. It’s harder to dehumanize someone standing right in front of you. Face-to-face conversation was the norm in biblical times, and it’s just as important today. Jesus tells us, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15 ESV, emphasis mine). Ditch digital conflict resolution in favor of a face-to-face meeting.

Ask for Wisdom

In times of strife, knowing what to say and how to say it proves challenging. Thankfully, we possess the ever-present Holy Spirit to direct our speech. James reminds us to ask for wisdom in trials. God will generously give us what we need (James 1:5 ESV).

Remember Your Real Enemy

Emotions flare in conflict. We can quickly feel contempt for those arguing against us. This is exactly what the real enemy wants. When I feel bitterness and dislike creep up inside, I remind myself my opponent is a child of God, a sinner just like me, an eternal being Jesus died to save, worthy of love and grace. In all my actions, I strive to be an ambassador of Christ. Nowhere is this more important than in how I treat those who disagree with me. In the conflicts and trials of life, be a light for the gospel.

Scripture for Reflection

If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother. (1 John 4:20–21 ESV)

Whoever says he abides in [Jesus] ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. (1 John 2:6 ESV)

Lord, you created us for community, even in the messy times.  Equip us with the tools to manage conflict while preserving relationships. Guide our speech and actions to bring you glory in the process.  Remind us to look to you when we lack the words and wisdom.  Help us to be a people who shine your light in difficult circumstances.  Amen.

Reach for More

Festering bitterness against people affects our relationship with God. Do you have unresolved bitterness or resentment in your life? What steps can you take to heal your human relationships?

What does it mean to walk as Jesus did through the lens of conflict? How did Jesus approach conflict with those who opposed him? What can we learn about addressing conflict in our own lives through the person of Christ?

Sometimes the best defense against conflict is proactive preparation. To remind myself of my role as a peacemaker, I recite the Prayer of Saint Francis in my quiet time. These words, quoted by countless Christians over the centuries, focus my mind on peace. Do you have any measure you use to fortify your spirit for fighting fair? Please come back and share with us your conflict resolution tips, using the hashtag #tgtreachformore.

Lindsay Hufford is a writer, slow marathoner, home educator and mediocre knitter. Her favorite things include books, kombucha, kitchen dancing, natural wellness, Jesus, and nachos. She spends days with her handsome hubby, three adorable kids, a flock of hens, a runaway peahen, wandering barn cat, and rescue dog. Lindsay shares ways to live simply and love extravagantly at www.lindsayhufford.com.

Photograph © Daniel Apodaca, used with permission