Even There

Two months ago, I had a rare moment of peace and decided to read a book. An unusual sound began in my left ear—like an ultrasound of a baby’s heartbeat. A few minutes passed, and I no longer noticed the whooshing sound.

The next day, as I was homeschooling my four kids, I periodically heard the heartbeat in my left ear again. I am not normally one to think the worst of a situation, or in this case, a symptom, but I knew something was not quite right.

Later in the evening, I told my husband about what I was experiencing. He concurred that I needed to take further action. The following morning, I called my doctor to make an appointment. Unfortunately, she wasn’t available, and the receptionist suggested I see the nurse practitioner. Against my better judgment, I decided to see him. After a brief examination, he said, “Well, I don’t see any drainage, but it’s probably drainage. Take some Sudafed.” I left the appointment frustrated and feeling invalidated.

That appointment was a waste of twenty-five dollars. I was sure what I was experiencing needed more than a Sudafed fix, and I knew my doctor would have more thoroughly examined and questioned my symptoms. I have a history with my doctor; she knows me and knows I rarely make appointments. I had never seen this nurse practitioner before, and I didn’t seem to be anything more than a name on a chart to him.

Two weeks later I was still hearing the heartbeat in my ear, and I made another appointment—this time with my doctor. She couldn’t see anything wrong and wanted a specialist to evaluate me. She referred me to an ENT. She validated my concern and showed concern herself.

My appointment with the ENT consisted of a hearing test and examination of my ears, throat, and nose. He suspected the cause of the pulsating sound was from a clog in my Eustachian tube, which connects the nose and ear. He prescribed two different nasal sprays. For three weeks I sprayed my nose three times a day, to no avail. The pulsating sound not only continued but intensified.

At my follow-up appointment with the ENT, the doctor appeared perplexed and concerned—not the behaviors you hope to see from your doctor. As a result, he ordered an MRI.

During the prior three weeks, when I was routinely spraying my nose, I knew my symptoms were not improving, and bouts of fear and worry started overtaking my thoughts. The unknown can be scary. Dr. Google is also not a source of comfort amid medical uncertainties. Thankfully, God is bigger than Google.

The same week the fear and worry started to overcome me, I attended a prayer seminar at my church. We were each given Scripture to read and pray over for twenty minutes, alone with God. The Scripture given to me was Psalm 139. I quickly realized the chapter’s familiarity. However, one verse stuck out to me and spoke life to me. (I love how God works.)

Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast. (Psalm 139:10 NIV)

The preceding verses talk about the impossibility of escaping the presence of the Spirit, because no matter where David went, he said, God would be “Even there.”

Even there.

Nowhere we can go, and in no situation we face, will God not be with us. I don’t know where you are right now, or what challenges, hardships, or circumstances you are facing, but even there God is with you.

Grief…even there.

Infertility…even there.

Addiction…even there.

Depression…even there.

Illness… even there.

Divorce…even there.

I’m writing this before my MRI. I have no idea what the MRI will reveal. Am I scared? Absolutely. However, I’m clinging to the truth: no matter what the results are, God will be there. All my tomorrows are in his hand, and he is holding on to me.

K-LOVE radio has been playing Natalie Grant’s song More Than Anything a lot recently. The song isn’t a new release, so I’m not sure why it’s a current play. But More Than Anything has become my song for this season. The chorus says:

Help me want the Healer more than the healing.

Help me want the Savior more than the saving.

Help me want the giver more than the giving.

Help me want you, Jesus, more than anything.

I need to rest in the promise of even there—not pray for my will, but desire his will.

I need to set my thoughts on him—not the results.

I need to want him—not this earth.

Wherever you are, rest assured, even there God is with you. He is holding on to you. The God who breathed this universe into being is holding you in his right hand.

Heather Gerwing is a homeschooling mom of four. She is a Jersey girl at heart but now lives in Michigan with her husband Jeff and their kids. Heather enjoys reading, coffee-ing, worshipping and writing. She is passionate about her family and living the full life. You can find her at heathergerwing.com.

Photograph © Chris Barbalis, used with permission