Finding Your Way Back to Life

I’m a worship leader by trade, and for the past year or so, music has been hard for me. I know this probably seems strange coming from someone whose career is fully entrenched in music, but at some point, it simply stopped bringing me joy and started to feel like work. This medium from which my very soul and essence were molded no longer brought me to life. I drove to and from work in complete silence, and I rarely played music for enjoyment while I cooked or cleaned.

This is the second time in my life this has happened, and I know myself well enough to recognize it’s a cry for help from my soul. I shouldn’t be surprised, because last year I faced a challenge no one dreams of, yet many experience: my marriage came to an end.

Divorce is terrible. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis likens it to the amputation of both your legs. With an amputation, you feel phantom pains as if they come from the limb now missing. Divorce, though, feels more akin to the removal of part of your soul. In a world that once felt secure, you feel completely off balance as your finances, living situation, friendships, future, and identity all change in an instant. In marriage, you open yourself up to trust another human being with your most intimate and vulnerable parts. To realize that person is not who you believed they were is incomparable to any other type of grief.

The decision to divorce did not come lightly; it followed years of counseling and professional guidance. This last year we worked through a separation. The year prior was spent in serious spiritual discernment. I would not recommend or wish this outcome on anyone, yet I can say without hesitation that I’ve learned a tremendous amount about life, relationships, and myself through this journey.

I’ve learned that you should never judge another family’s decisions, because it’s possible you have no idea what’s gone on behind closed doors.

I’ve learned that some couples can work through hardship and breaches of trust, as long as both parties are committed to growth and true repentance.

I’ve learned I don’t have the power to change, fix, or save anyone, no matter how much I want to.

I’ve learned that no one knows how to act around grieving people; the best thing you can do is simply show up over and over again. Listen. Love. Repeat.

I am slowly learning the beauty of community and vulnerability. Unfortunately, I walked a lonely path for a long time by isolating myself and carrying secrets that felt too shameful to share. Once I opened myself up to sharing the darker parts of my life, however, I found a community of women for whom this is also a reality. I found that I can trust others with the darkest parts of myself, and that this is what God wants for us. If you are currently harboring pain alone, I beg you to find someone you trust.

The past few years will not make it to my top-ten list of favorite years, but I have hope for the next ones. My goal for 2018 is to focus on rebuilding my life and becoming the person God intended for me to be. I hope to stop trying to please people and start trying to please God. I will strive to heal and recover from the brokenness I’ve experienced, and to use it to minister to others. As cliché as this sounds, I truly need to spend some time getting to know who I am and learning to love myself.

Divorce feels like death, and I can’t say that I yet feel fully alive. However, last week something beautiful happened. Alone in my new apartment, I turned on a gospel station on Spotify. Slowly, I found myself tapping my toes, then singing along. Eventually I was fully dancing to the music in my kitchen. I may not be there yet, but as the music, God, therapy, and healthy relationships continue to heal me, I know that soon and very soon, I will be alive again.

Megan Seals is a former sixth grade teacher who left the classroom to follow a calling in worship leadership and writing. Her passions include issues of inclusion, diversity, mental health, and creating space at the table for Christian women without children. She loves a good adventure and the opportunity to travel and learn about different cultures. Find more from Megan online at meganraeseals.com.

Photograph © Kristina Bratko, used with permission