Caring for Children of the Chronically Ill

Most of us know someone who struggles with their health. Perhaps they’ve been diagnosed with a physical chronic illness, or they struggle daily with their mental health. As their friend, we seek to love and serve them in their suffering.

But how often do we remember their children?

Three ways children can suffer when their parent is chronically ill

Here are three ways children of the chronically ill can suffer, often alone and in silence.

They can’t leave or take a break

Often children are around their sick parent more than anyone else. While the spouse goes off to work, the children remain behind. They are frequently silent witnesses to events other family members never see. Unlike adult caregivers or supporters, they don’t have the choice to step away.

Their parents cannot fulfill their roles

A natural balance of power exists between children and their parents, yet sickness can leave parents unable to fulfill their expected roles. This can make a child’s relationship confusing and lonely. The children of chronically ill parents live a life very few of their peers can relate to.

They see needs they cannot fulfill

Children must rely on their sick parent for provision and protection. And they can’t offer help as others can, so they may feel like burdens, “in the way,” or “unneeded.”

How do I know all this? These are not random musings pulled from a hat. I know all this because I have lived it. I grew up with a mother who struggled (and still struggles) with her health. It is always hard when someone you love is ill, but being the child of a chronically ill parent has its unique challenges.

How we can love them

My heart bleeds for these children. Let us not forget them. Let’s look at some ways we can love them–the way they need to be loved.

Don’t make assumptions

Every experience is different; every child is unique. It’s not loving to launch into their lives, our arms full of labels and explanations. Let’s not expect them to have greater knowledge or empathy because of what they have experienced. Let’s not assume they do things like cook or clean to help their ill parent. This is the easiest way to make them feel guilty. Yet we should not presume they know nothing, either. To do so is patronizing and cruel. Speak cautiously and listen well.

Treat them as individuals

Often children come as “part of the package,” but I think we need to practice viewing them as people in their own right. They are not messengers, there to relay information and answer our questions. Nor are they charity cases, so we can feel good about ourselves and our service.

It’s an honor to love and know them, not an obligation and never a right. Let’s not hold them up as examples for our own children, or pay them extra attention simply because their parents are ill. They have likes and dislikes apart from sickness and health. Let’s remember to ask them about the other areas of their lives, and not assume their happiness begins and ends with their parent’s illness.

Listen to them

This is the best thing we can do. Sometimes it’s the only thing. How often have we settled down beside children and asked what is happening in their lives? When was the last time you spent an hour playing ball with no double motives and no adult goals?

Not often enough

Oh, my friends, let’s do this not once, but again and again. Just because these children were “fine” one week doesn’t mean they will be fine for the rest of their lives. Listening doesn’t mean being silent. Sometimes it means asking questions and not dismissing the answers. It means not jumping to share our own experiences or bits of wisdom. Listening can also mean offering help and not feeling offended when it’s declined. Listening is about respecting their autonomy, such as it is. They don’t need to feel pressured to ask for help, but they do need to know it’s there if they need it.

And so we love

Loving the children of chronically ill parents is about valuing them as Jesus does. It’s about remembering what it is to be a child, and it’s about asking them to tell us when we don’t remember. It’s about asking forgiveness and trying again.

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It’s so easy for these children to fall through the cracks, to go unnoticed. Let’s follow in the footsteps of our Savior, who opened wide his arms and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14 NIV).

Emily Maurits works in healthcare and believes we are all called to love suffering people, because that’s what Jesus did. She is passionate about equipping and encouraging others to do just that, and is the author of the website Called to Watch. She enjoys running by the river near her home, writing fiction to explore the intersection of life and faith, and reading far too many books.

Photograph © Jenn Evelyn-Ann, used with permission