Are You Guarding Your Heart Above All Else?
I want a divorce.
Four words. That’s all it took. I allowed those four small words to eat through my mind like cancer. They invaded my thoughts, filling them with poison that leaked into my heart, turning it to sludge. It didn’t happen overnight. I poisoned myself slowly, one wayward thought at a time.
It started small, with the enemy plucking at my fear of rejection. I allowed my personal feelings of rejection in my marriage (which were merely lies from the enemy) to turn into bitterness. Over time, that bitterness grew into resentment. And that resentment colored my relationship with my husband all the wrong colors.
Before I even realized what was happening, I was sinking under the weight of all the darkness within me. It took on a life of its own. It pressed the woman I knew I was into far corners, hiding me in shadow. I lost my way. I lost my hope. I lost my will to try. I gave up.
But my Father was faithful and oh-so patient with me. Through the dark and scary places, he kept his strong yet gentle hand on me. I couldn’t feel it at times, but even though my thoughts wandered from him, he remained steady.
It was months before I allowed him into my dark places. I had allowed them to rot and fester, turning into something monstrous and almost tearing apart my family before I began to surrender them. But the Father’s patience is like none other. He waited for me patiently, knowing I would collapse into his waiting arms when I was ready.
His grace—his grace is so indescribable. His loving grace reached down into the depths of my thick, viscous mush of a heart and plucked out those four small cancerous words.
It was slow work. The plucking—which only grace could accomplish—was painful. My pride had me choking on all the things I had been allowing myself to think and feel over the last several months. All my poisonous, smog-covered thoughts had to change. And then I had to allow the change to drip down into my heart, softening it and creating room for love. Our hearts are the steering wheels of our minds, and our minds tell our feet where to go.
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Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (NLT).
I forgot to guard my heart. I let in all the little annoyances: clothes piled in a corner, dirty shoes on freshly mopped floors, dishes in the sink, being late for dinner. I let these trivial things build a wall around my heart and turn into bitter resentment that gave birth to those four small words.
I forgot to guard my heart.
But my Father lovingly reminded me.
He reminded me that he alone can fulfill me. He alone knows me inside and out. He knows what my purpose on this earth is. He knows my worth and value, which can only be found in him. My value is not found in perfectly folded laundry or clean and tidy rooms. It’s not found in an empty sink or spotless floors. It’s not found in the perfect family meal, served piping hot and eaten together. And it’s not found in a picture-perfect marriage.
If you are in a similar place, where you’re leaving your heart vulnerable to cancerous thoughts, he wants to remind you too. He wants to remind you that he is peace and hope. He is strength when you have none. And he is love like no other. He will never leave you nor forsake you. His love is pure, untainted by this world.
I still battle my thoughts. They tend to lean toward criticism and negativity, especially in my home. It’s easy to let them wander aimlessly, getting lost in the little things. But I know where that leads, so I must choose to take every thought captive. I must choose to tame the wild thoughts, soften the angry thoughts, sweeten the bitter thoughts, and lasso the wayward thoughts. I must choose to guard my heart above all else.
Brittany Raschdorf is a devoted mother of two who lives in Chesapeake, Virginia with her husband and their two dogs. Growing up, Brittany was always tethered to a book, only putting them down occasionally to play in the mud or roughhouse with her brother. She knew deep down she had a passion for words—it was the way the black jumped off the white and landed in her soul as she read. But it wasn’t until she began to write that she truly came alive. And it wasn’t until she became a mother that she realized she had a story to tell. Her debut novel The Hypnotist’s Daughter is available now; find more information and read more from Brittany on her website.
Photograph © Finn Hackshaw, used with permission
