The Beauty in the Tension

Growing up in Texas with conservative Christian parents, my view of the world was black and white. I loved Jesus. But music with bad words was bad. Wearing pants to church on a Sunday night would mean an argument with my father. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be on the phone after ten o’clock. Right and wrong was so very clear.

I admit, part of me wishes I could go back there. In so many ways, life is simpler when you see only black and white. Yet God clearly and deliberately called me straight into the gray. I am now able to say I am grateful for it. But it didn’t happen overnight.

I’ve shared before that God called my husband and me out of the Bible belt in the summer of 2012. It was clear he wanted us to go to Denver—a city in the bottom 20 percent of least-churched cities in the United States. Thus began the process. At first my black-and-white heart said, “No, thanks. I don’t want to go to Denver.” But fortunately the Holy Spirit did his excellent work and changed my heart as only he can.

I promise I won’t get into politics here; we’ve all had enough of that. But moving to Denver quickly made me realize all Christians don’t have the same politics. (Shocking, I know.) That’s probably true everywhere, but the realization was stark for me. It challenged my views and caused me to reevaluate my beliefs. Am I really loving people well? Am I loving them with my political beliefs and choices? Am I loving them with my time? Am I loving them in how I speak about them and treat them?

We’re also in the middle of a church plant. We’re about two years in, and we’re already working through some of the more challenging issues in the Bible with some of our mentors and members. Again, I won’t get into those here, but I’ll say our gracious Father did not spell everything out in clear, black-and-white ways. Some tenets of the Christian faith are crystal clear, for sure. Jesus is God’s Son. He died on the cross to save us from our sins. But other areas are less clear. There is a mystery to our God that creates a tension both beautiful and hard to hold.

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The more I get to know him, the more I realize he is a God who reveals himself most in the tension. Take, for example, his instruction to find joy when we face trials of many kinds. What an odd thing to say! But I’ve lived it as I watch my mother go through brain cancer. So much about it is hard, obviously. But there is beauty in it too. In her laugh. In her smile. In the weekend she just spent with my ten-year-old when I managed to put her on an airplane unaccompanied. There’s beauty in watching the way my dad cares for my mom. There’s beauty in watching how their community has surrounded them with support. Our God delights in making beauty from ashes. The question is, will we notice? Will we look for it? Can we stop staring at the ashes long enough to see the creation?

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It’s funny, really. They say you get wiser with age. I thought I knew it all in my twenties. Had it all figured out. And now that I’m turning forty, I realize I didn’t and I don’t. Maybe that’s exactly what wisdom is: the realization that you know nothing and must rely on God for it all.

Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, church planter, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversation with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and having people over. Amy blogs with her husband at fringechurch.com.

Photograph © Annie Spratt, used with permission