How to Respond When Our Children Are Hurt

I recently experienced a situation that both broke my heart as a momma and grew me as a daughter of Christ. At my son’s fifth birthday party, one of the kids who was a guest got frustrated, tried to break one of my son’s birthday toys, and then told him he was going to kill him.

Does that invoke momma bear feelings in you like it did me? I ran into the room just as this had happened. My son was in tears, and I was immediately heartbroken that he had experienced such a wound at his party. Of course I felt protective and hurt—both for me and for him. The mother of the other boy had taken him from the room and was addressing his behavior, so I was free to focus on Nathan. I sat him down on my lap in the old wooden rocking chair where we’ve rocked many times. I gave him a minute to tell me what happened, and then what happened next was all God’s precious Spirit and nothing of me.

What I wanted to do was wallow in the hurt and let it fester in both me and my son. I wanted to be upset with the boy for saying what he did. I might have even said something in my hurt that would have wounded his mother. But God’s sweet Spirit was quick to remind me: You have said ugly things too. And you haven’t always had the excuse of being five when you said them.

So instead I prayed. I prayed first for Nathan. I prayed for him to know that he is safe, special, and incredibly loved. I prayed that he would not let this incident taint his birthday and that he would remember all the fun things he got to do. Then we prayed for the other boy. We prayed for him to know that he is safe, special, and incredibly loved. We prayed for the heart to forgive and for restoration of their relationship. By God’s grace, the boys have played together several times since and continue to be good friends.

As parents, of course we want to protect our children from being hurt. Certain situations absolutely require us to step in and do so. Children can be so mean and hurtful. It’s alarming how early it starts. For my daughters, the “mean girl” thing started in second grade!

One day my daughter, who was eight, came home from school and announced she wanted to eat only healthy food from then on. While this may sound like any parent’s dream, I asked why. She explained that one of the kids at school had said she was overweight. (She’s just not.) I really wanted to go find the kid and punch her. Instead this incident opened the door for a lovely conversation with my daughter about how God made her. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. She is beautiful exactly how she is. Of course, we should all eat healthy, but she needs to find her identity in Christ and not in how others perceive her. Insecurity or some other hurt in the other girl caused her to say a hurtful thing, and we prayed for her.

As we navigate these days with our kids, sometimes we get it right, and often we get it wrong. We’ve also counseled our children to ignore the offender and make some other friends, which is not the most productive advice.

The next time our children are hurt by other kids, I’d challenge us all to lay down our own feelings and let the Spirit lead. Sometimes he may lead us to boundaries of protection for our children. And sometimes he may lead us toward loving the offenders even when we don’t want to. Sometimes—dare I say many times—we must make the choice to forgive before our feelings have followed. Lessons learned through the Spirit leading us toward love for those who hurt us can benefit our children in a way that far overshadows the original pain.

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Amy Wiebe is a Jesus follower, wife, mom of three, church planter, finance director, and lover of sarcasm and deep conversation with friends. She also loves camping, rafting, skiing, sewing, and having people over. Amy blogs with her husband at fringechurch.com.

Photograph © Daiga Ellaby, used with permission