Choosing Our “Hard”

“I just feel like my life is so…normal,” I complained. “I need to grow, to be stretched.”

My best friend and I sat in my living room, her infant foster son in her lap. She was living out the gospel, loving—and eventually adopting—a child in need of a family. I had recently read Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and Anything by Jennie Allen, two women who laid it all on the line for the sake of Christ by adopting internationally, starting ministries, and speaking to women. All around me, I thought, people were living out their faith, depending on God in the midst of challenges and struggles. By contrast, my middle-class suburban days spent wiping noses and planning third grade Valentine’s Day parties seemed inconsequential. I longed for opportunities to lean into my faith.

“I am ready for something hard,” I said.

Or so I thought.

Not long after, I found myself entrenched in a months-long war against depression that I now refer to as The Pit. As I emerged from The Pit, two of my children began battles of their own, one of whom still struggles with anxiety and undiagnosed chronic pain. Doctor appointments, visits with a counselor, emails with school staff to try to keep her on track academically—these are all regular parts of our lives now. I thought I was ready for hard stuff, but when I got it, I got angry. This is not what I had in mind, God.

When I thought about hard and being stretched and stepping out in faith, I had a few ideas about what that should look like. Unlike Jennie Allen, who promised God her “anything,” I had unintentionally offered God my “anything.” In other words, I was willing to trust him—as long as I could provide the terms and conditions. Adoption, homeschooling, and moving were on my list. Feeling isolated and worthless for six months was not. Watching my children struggle daily was not.

The whole situation reminds me of a conversation our family recently had about sacrifice. My children had recently listened to a radio program encouraging them to give up something for God for a certain period of time, and they were 100 percent on board. They were ready to sacrifice, and they wanted to start right now! My husband and I were impressed by their excitement and determination, so we suggested we all pray about what God might ask us to sacrifice. My four-year-old shrugged innocently and said, “Well, I was kind of thinking, maybe, like, broccoli?”

It’s easy to ask for challenges when we can choose them. It’s easy to give up something we never wanted in the first place. Unfortunately, we rarely get to choose our hard. It is not our job to dictate how God should challenge us. Our job is to approach God with open hands and trust he will provide everything we need.

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Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I told God, “I’m ready for a challenge,” and he responded, “Well, let’s just see about that.” That kind of spiteful god is not the one I serve. Instead he gently prepares our hearts for the challenges he already knows lie ahead for us. Then he walks with us through them. They might not be what we think is best, but fortunately, time and time again he proves he knows better than we do.

My life’s road has had more unexpected twists than the average curly fry, and I’m not sure I would have chosen any of them: infertility, depression, and a child diagnosed with special needs, just to name a few. However, when I look back, it is not with bitterness or regret, but with reverence for the way God has led me through those twists and the lessons he taught me along the way.

I don’t know what challenges you are facing or what has led you to them. I do know this: We may not always choose our circumstances, but we can always choose whether we trust God to know what is best for us. And he always proves himself worthy of our trust.

Katy Epling is a writer, speaker, and “masterpiece in progress” (Ephesians 2:10) from Akron, Ohio. She and her husband Jon have three beautiful children who provide her with multitudes of material—both dramatic and comedic. Learn more about her heart and ministry at katyepling.com.

Photograph © Jonatan Becerra, used with permission