The Past That Shapes Us

Big change is coming. I am readying you for it.

I first heard the whisper last spring. My husband had been at his job for seventeen years, and massive changes were coming. I found myself daydreaming about moving to a new state with consistently warmer temperatures and year-round sunshine. I wanted a fresh start.

We have always been blessed with an amazing community of family and friends, but sometimes memories of loss and illness still haunt me.

“I want a new house,” I blurted out one evening.

My husband looked surprised. “Um….okay,” he said.

“I don’t want to live here anymore!” I said vehemently. “Every time I look at this house, it reminds me of being sick and broken. I want to start over. I want people to see me as joyful, without all the baggage!” I took a deep breath and went on. “The house is falling apart. It’s tiny. It feels like a reflection of what I’ve been through.”

I felt small and broken.

My husband’s eyes softened. “Babe, we’ve raised our kids here. Besides, you know we’ve been called into ministry because of what we’ve gone through. You’re better because of all of this. You need to keep telling our story.”

It’s strange how things evolve. One day you look back and realize how quickly your life and circumstances can change.

Suddenly everything I thought I wanted was happening, just not in the way I had envisioned. It was then that I felt God telling me a chapter of my life was through. It was time for a new chapter to be written.

David said it best:

“Now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7 NASB

I was eager to forget the past, but God reminded me that it has shaped who I am.

January is always a month of fresh starts. We love the idea of all our mistakes and failures being washed away as if they never happened. But there is something so sacred about remembrance. It helps us develop gratitude and compassion.

Life isn’t going to be perfect. When we strive for perfection, we miss priceless learning experiences. Mistakes and trials give us the tools we need to thrive in this life.

Sometimes the very things that feel like they cause nothing but pain end up strengthening us for the journey ahead. God is awesome like that. He gives us time for everything. He wants us to engage in the full array of emotions. He doesn’t want us to suppress our feelings and be shiny, fake people.

How can we weep with others if we haven’t lost ourselves?

How can we demand justice if we haven’t experienced trauma?

How can we be a voice for those who need help if we have never learned to go without?

My husband ended up getting a new job across town. God showered me with grace in reminding me that in all of our bad times, not only was he with me, but he had sent others.

In each difficult season, he sent merciful people to wrap us in their arms and prayers. He showed up in the family, friends, and strangers who helped pay for our son’s grave and my medical bills. He sent loving friends to babysit, clean our home, and cook our meals. Each time I felt like I couldn’t take one more step, God sent someone to lift me up.

If you are realizing that a chapter of your life is coming to a close, I want to challenge you to look back at all you have been through, good and bad. I am guessing you are no longer who you once were. In fact, maybe you are a stronger, more compassionate version of who you used to be.

If you are facing a foggy future, I want to encourage you. While our past doesn’t define who we are, we don’t have to look back in shame. Rather, we can look ahead and know that we are equipped for so much more.

You are strong, brave, and best of all, you are never alone.

Kelly Nickerson is a homeschooling mama with two beautiful kids under her wing and four dancing in heaven. She also lives with her amazing husband, who supports her like no other. Kelly is a firecracker prayer warrior who shares honestly about her brokenness, while praising and clinging to the G-d who sustains her. When she isn’t hunting down germs with disinfectant, you can find her writing of her adventures at kellynickerson.com.

Photograph © Daiga Ellaby, used with permission