The Beauty of Differences

I have the joy of raising two young boys. They are beautiful, messy, silly, and adventurous. They are also as different as different can be. One is timid, cautious, and thoughtful while the other is fearless, bold, and rough (to put it nicely.) One has stick-straight hair while the other has a head full of curls. One loves to be held and snuggled while the other bucks and pushes away if the embrace lasts longer than half a second.

I watch as they grow into themselves, and I see the beauty of their differences in the dynamics of their relationship. It just works. One protects while one is quick to say I’m sorry; one is the “idea man” while one is happy to just join in. It is beautiful.

As I consider their relationship, I cannot help but evaluate mine. I love having friends who are different from me. You see, I am a bit of a mess. I like to live by the seat of my pants. I like a little bit of order, but not enough to plan my whole life around it. Speaking of planning, I’m pretty good at creating plans, but rarely do I follow said plans to a “T”.  My soul craves adventure. I have found that if I try to be too scheduled, I slowly die inside.

However, my best friends tend to be highly organized. They fold clothes a certain way to have optimal space in their drawers. They have a process for every day, week, month, and year. They know what they will be eating for the month, and even what days they will clean their blinds. It is amazing to watch them order their lives. And you know what? They have expressed to me how when something gets out of order, they immediately feel tension trying to displace their peace, which feels like a slow death to them.

Clearly we are different. We have different needs and opposite stress triggers. Therefore, we have developed different definitions of what it means to live fully. But we do not have to be the same to see, celebrate, or learn from one another. In fact, my friends invite order into my life so that my adventurousness doesn’t become careless and I maintain a level of responsibility while still allowing myself to enjoy the unexpected. In return I invite fun, joy, and spontaneity into their lives so that they don’t miss the beauty of the moments you can’t plan. There is nothing innately wrong with the unique life perspectives we have each adopted, even though they are so wildly different. We have realized how much we need each other and have come to appreciate the value of relationships with people who are your opposites.

I must confess, it wasn’t always this way. My closest friendships used to be mainly with people who were a lot like me, or with people whom I perceived needed me. I did not necessarily always invite relationships that challenged me, stretched me, or encouraged me to stretch beyond myself. I liked to be the one giving advice and helping others, and rarely did I seek to be on the receiving end. I was attracted to people who made me feel comfortable. Over time I began to realize that most of my “friendships” were unhealthy in the sense that they were all one-sided. You see, I had set up a dynamic of being needed but never needing anything in return. I eventually burned out, which led me to get real with myself.

I realized that my insecurities and my way of doing life were hindering me from engaging in real conversations with women I perceived from afar as being everything I am not. I had to come face to face with my faulty belief that the only way I could have value was to give without receiving in return. I knew I had to learn the value of receiving. As I confessed this truth to myself, I made a commitment to seek out new friendships, the reciprocal kind.

Over time, I chose to be real, ask for help, say I’m sorry, and enjoy others’ differences, just like my boys model to me every day. My life has changed for the better because of the diversity in my friendships. I challenge you today to take an honest look at your friendships. Do the people in your life challenge you, help you, and need you?

Jenna Sartor is a hairdresser by trade, an Elite Life Coach, and the author of a book and a blog. Though she has those irons in the fire, she spends most of her days loving and educating her two young sons, and loving her husband fiercely. Her passion for writing is mostly to stir up hope in the hearts of readers and to allow each one to realize they aren’t alone.

Photograph © Providence Doucet, used with permission