When Christmas Isn’t the Way You Want It

The concept of “leave and cleave” sounds lovely when you stand at the altar with your husband-to-be beside you. But when it comes to the holidays, it isn’t so lovely. The question of where and how to spend Christmas can cause discord in the most harmonious of marriages.

My first Christmas as a Smith was dramatic. My husband’s job was as new as our marriage. He had to work on Christmas Eve, and we planned to head to my parents’ house once his shift ended. As I waited for him in our apartment, gifts wrapped and suitcases packed, I heard the tell-tale sound of sleet hitting the window. I turned on the TV in time to see the weatherman deliver the bad news: the roads would soon be impassable.

My husband made it home safely, but the road to my parents’ house closed because of the ice.  We decided to stay in our tiny apartment with our Charlie Brown Christmas tree and try to travel in the morning when the roads cleared. I gave in to grief. I crawled under the table and began to cry. I thought I was missing Christmas.

My heart broke at the thought of my younger siblings opening gifts without me. My mouth watered as I imagined the Christmas dinner I would miss. I sat in a pool of tears and self-pity. I was a grown woman spending my first married Christmas hiding under a table.

By holding on to a tradition, I missed the rare magic of an Alabama white Christmas. I dismissed the love my husband demonstrated as he kept his bride safe from the ice storm. I minimalized the monumental moment of waking up with the man I loved in our first home on Christmas morning.

We don’t always get to spend Christmas the way we want. New traditions find their way into our homes courtesy of our in-laws. Geographical challenges create barriers to visiting loved ones. Sometimes the weather covers our best-laid plans in a sheet of ice.

Mary’s first married Christmas didn’t go as planned. A census called her away from her mother and father right when she needed them most.  As she lay on the dirt floor of a stable, I wonder if she had some of the same feelings of grief. Did she cry because she missed her family too?

Luke 2:19 sheds some light on the state of Mary’s heart that first Christmas: “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” I don’t think Mary wanted to crawl under a table because of overwhelming disappointment. She collected the new memories like treasure—I imagine the way the straw pricked her skin, the softness of the swaddle, the salty tears dripping from Joseph’s beard. These memories became a new thing to celebrate.

When my husband and I remember our first Christmas, we laugh at the way I acted. How ridiculous I must have looked, sitting under the table crying because Christmas didn’t look the way it always had. I eventually crawled out of my table-cave and enjoyed my first Christmas as a Smith. Nearly two decades later, our Christmas doesn’t look like it did when I was a child. Through the years, we’ve created new traditions of our own. And if we need to change things, it’s okay. I learned something that first Christmas—treasure all the things, new and old.

Kelly Smith is a small town girl who married a small town man 17 years ago. She has three energetic blessings, ages 1 to 11. Her favorite indulgences are coffee, reading, writing, and running. Kelly believes we are created for community and loves to find ways to connect with other women who are walking in the shadow of the cross. She blogs at mrsdisciple.com.

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