Overcoming Self-Hate

“Do you love yourself?”

“Sure, I guess,” I mumble, praying the conversation ends there. Talking about how to love and value myself makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Even as a therapist who talks with clients about this very subject, I find it impossible to personally navigate the topic. This, I recognize, is the sign of a person who struggles to see her own value.

To say I hate myself sounds too strong, but my actions paint that very picture. The disapproving words I whisper to myself throughout the day confirm my dissatisfaction with practically everything about myself. The way I abuse my body by feeding it tubs of ice cream is proof I do not know my worth. Shame is a weapon I use against myself, and it keeps me prisoner.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was not created to hate myself. In fact, Mark 12:31 (NIV) tells us to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Myself? Love myself? Really? The verse continues, “There is no commandment greater than these.” We usually read this verse in the context of loving our neighbors, but I think God provides a two-for-one kind of lesson here. A lesson I usually skip right over, because how could I possibly love myself?

I know all about God knitting me together in my mother’s womb and the delight he found in my unformed body, but to move that knowledge to my heart has been tricky to say the least. I know it is truth, but I struggle to fully buy in. I want to see my value as he does. I want to believe I am worthy and loveable and full of significance. I just don’t.

I see my extra baby weight in the mirror and use it to determine my lack of value. My shortage of friends and community right now tells me I am not worth pursuing. Again, I know these messages are not true, but my heart cries a different message altogether. It’s not a new message by any means. In fact, this message is probably about thirty years in the making. I am wrestling and praying for God to show me that I matter.

This morning, as I went to get my little guy out of the crib, I could smell my worst nightmare. When I turned on the lights, he was covered in poop. His diaper could not contain the explosion, and his body and crib were covered in brown. My husband and I cleaned him off as best we could before plopping him into the bath. Strangely, I had an intense burst of love for him as I bathed him, recognizing his complete dependence on me to take care of him in this most vulnerable state.

As I washed him, not yet seeing the parallel, I asked God to show me his love. Then, in that moment, I saw it and understood. There I was cleaning the poop off my child, whom I love dearly, and God showed me what his love for me is like. Even in my most ugly, vulnerable, and embarrassing places, God is there, full of love, looking past what I see and delighted to make me clean. Mostly he is full of joy that I would invite him into my hopelessness. There is nothing I could bring to God that would make him turn away. Instead, he jumps at the opportunity to bring me comfort and show me love.

I would never shame my little guy for his accident in the crib, but I shame myself for far less. Today I got to see a very real example of my worth and value. If I found delight in bathing my little son, how much more does my heavenly Father delight in me? If that is true, then my beliefs about myself cannot be true. Lies and truth cannot exist together. One must be false.

Today I am leaning on truth and trusting that the God of the universe is for me. And just like Romans 8:31 (NIV) reads, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” I think this is one of those two-for-one lessons again. I must learn to trust him and no longer be against myself. If God is for me, then my negative thoughts and opinions about myself are lies I can no longer accept.

Brandy Lidbeck is a licensed marriage and family therapist living in Northern California with her husband and three children. She is passionate about both truth and humor, and if she can get them both in the same conversation, it’s a win/win. She blogs at sipofbrandy.com for fun and thegiftofsecond.com for those impacted by a loved one’s suicide.