Are You Keeping Score in Your Marriage?

If I’m honest, I would say I spend too much time grasping.

Grasping for more. Grasping for attention and accolades. Grasping at chances to get what I want out of this life. I clench my fists tight, I clutch, I grab, I squeeze the life out of whatever I can find that makes me feel important, valuable, elite.

Wherever I go I find myself grasping. My work, my relationships, my hobbies.

I’d love to say this ugly habit doesn’t enter the sacred grounds of marriage, but it especially likes to make its way there.

I grasp at my husband, hungry for him to meet my needs–the ones he can and the ones he can’t. I grasp in order to get my own way–to spend all our evenings at home and forego social events. I grasp at the expectations I’ve set for him–to keep his clothes off the floor and the bathroom mirror unsplattered. And I grasp at my desire to make all things equal.

I fight for equality in the silliest of ways.

He bought a GPS and new hiking boots, which means I can go on a Target shopping spree. He works more hours than I do, so I am in charge of all the household chores. He gets to go on backpacking trips and canoe overnights, so I should get to go to Disneyland. His job shouldn’t take precedence over mine. His needs should be met as long as mine are too.

In the fight for equality, in the back and forth, in the fifty-fifty mentality, the journey toward the likeness of Christ is forgotten.

Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness and found human in appearance, he humbled himself and became obedient to death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:5-8)

Jesus wasn’t here to fight for his equality, to be sure everything was fair. He didn’t grasp at whatever made him feel elite and important. It didn’t matter that he was divine—he put it aside to share in the humanity of those he loved. He made himself the lowest, out of love for us.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

I wonder what it would look like to have the attitude of Christ? The attitude of love?

Maybe our souls would quiet a little as we let go of the need for things to be 50-50. [Tweet “Maybe we would have more peace in our marriages if we stopped keeping score.”] Perhaps we would find ourselves moving forward in humility—and in greater love and grace.

Greer Oharah is a lover of authentic words and strong coffee. She is the founder of OrdinaryEpiphanies.com, where she writes on encountering God in the sacredness of daily life. She is a nanny, choral accompanist, and piano teacher. Her home is nestled in the heart of the Rocky Mountains where she lives with her gallant, school-teaching husband.

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