How to Fight Fair with Your Spouse
In my mind’s eye, there is a wooden fence post full of holes. It stands as a monument to the powerful potential of an unchecked tongue.
Any relationship worth its salt will generate disagreements. When it comes to love, we are often drawn to a complement rather than a copy, but the very things that add interest and spark to our relationships can quickly turn into liabilities if sharp words are added to the mix. Our words can do permanent damage, like holes in a fence post.
When tensions rise, words can become an emotional hammer, pounding nails of blame and hurt into the fence post of our loved one’s heart. We may realize our errors and return contrite and apologetic. As our apology elicits forgiveness, we turn our hammer and try to gently pry the nails from the wood. We work them, moving slowly, until the wood finally lets go and the nails slide out. Our relief is only momentary, though, for as we hold the nails in our hands, our eyes are inevitably drawn to the holes left behind. Our thoughtless hammering have permanently marred the post. The best we can do now is take back the offenses and express regret over the resulting holes.
As sweet as a genuine apology can be, I’m determined to not become an expert apologizer. Instead, I want to be an expert lover. I’ve found that if I can keep my words in check when I’m upset, my love and I can disagree, even vehemently, without causing life-long scars.
I’ve learned three rules that have helped me keep my hammer holstered and my husband happy!
Three Rules for Fighting Fair with Your Love
1. Stop exaggerating
The words “always” and “never” need to be off limits during a disagreement. In the heat of the moment, we think these words provide needed emphasis when instead, they make us look ridiculous. “You never care about my feelings!” or “You are always late!” are exaggerations and attacks. Speaking this way makes my concerns harder to hear and sends my partner into defense mode.
We also must eliminate name calling and labeling. These attacks move a disagreement straight to the heart. They question motives and character in a way that evaporates safety. I can express my needs with the hammer in the belt and let my partner feel safe enough to listen.
2. Make requests, not demands
The trick is to learn to frontload requests with “I feel…” instead of “You do…” I am a steward of my feelings and needs, not my husband’s actions. By trying to get my needs met with an accusatory list of his failures, I instantly trigger his need to defend instead of his desire to help. Hurting him to get my way is manipulative and wrong. When I’m tempted to pull out my hammer with the words “You are never home,” I need to choose “I feel lonely,” instead. This approach seats us both on the same side of the table, fighting the problem as a team instead of seeing each other as the problem.
3. Cut off your escape route
A pastor friend of ours requires couples to bring a dictionary with them to premarital counseling. He hands them a pair of scissors and asks them to cut the word divorce out of the dictionary. This book will be on the shelf of their new home as a tangible reminder that escape cannot be one of their options during tense moments.
There is no marriage without stress, without compromises and adjustments, without the need for apologies and resets. The truth is, getting serious about watering our own grass is the fastest way for our grass to be the greenest within sight and for the other side to lose its lure. I regularly tell my husband I’ll go anywhere with him, and I’m not just talking about exotic locations around the globe. I’m committing to walk through murky relationship waters without running away. This stance has the power to smooth the path to understanding, compromise, and progress.These rules are small and simple. Following them involves cutting a few important words out of your vocabulary. You will need to apologize less often and will find your thought patterns becoming more healthy.
I appreciate how black and white the rules are. Rather than being restrictive, these solid parameters are freeing. They free your relationship to grow and weather tough moments. They free you from regrets as they protect the heart of the one you promised to love and cherish until death parts you. When my hammer stays safely put away, ideas can be expressed freely, characters can be sharpened, and our love has a safe place to grow.
Lori Florida’s life is all about her people. She’s convinced that being Mrs. to one and Mommy to eight will be her most significant way to serve Jesus. She wants to use her life to cheer on and coach the women coming behind her. Lori blogs at loriflorida.com.
