Trusting God for Forgiveness

Growing up, I viewed God as someone who was looking down from heaven, wanting me to love and serve him. But I also imagined he was so disappointed every time I messed up that he was keeping a Santa Claus–type list of everything I did wrong. I assumed he continually felt let down because I wasn’t living up to his standards.

Oh, I knew Jesus cleared all my sins on the cross. But I could never get past my own fear and guilt about disappointing God and actually feel forgiven. My sin seemed to be constantly in front of me, not behind me. So instead of trusting God to forgive me for disappointing him, I managed the best I could on my own.

My view didn’t change until a time came when I felt God was speaking directly to me.

I was obsessed with my body image. I never doubted I was a Christian, however, because the Holy Spirit convicted me as I made one bad choice after another. I made enough changes that I got to where I felt I was handling my disordered food relationship well. After all, I wasn’t as obsessed as I had once been. Yet I had entered into something of a sin maintenance mode. Although I was no longer consumed by it, I was still dabbling in my obsession with what I thought was a perfect balance: I was actively involved in my church, and I knew just what to eat and how much to eat to not gain weight. I still had my relationship with God and my control.

I was managing, not trusting.

Then at a retreat one weekend, a few girls shared their own food-related issues, and I was stunned. I couldn’t believe they were sharing their struggles honestly and that others were so accepting. After trying to push conviction away for a day, I talked to one of the other girls. She told me the retreat leaders had been praying for God to specifically place someone in their group who needed to be confronted with her sin. It seemed she thought this girl was me.

I didn’t know what to think.

“They couldn’t have been praying for me,” I told her. “My story isn’t as extreme as some of theirs. I have only dabbled in sin, and besides, that was in the past. I have it under control now.”

But God stopped me right there and spoke into my heart.

“I love you enough to have you deal with this.”

The voice I heard wasn’t from a disappointed God who was tracking my sin, the one I had grown up thinking I knew. This was the voice of someone who truly wanted the best for me. He knew my heart, he knew my sin, and he was calling me past it. He was calling me to a deeper walk because he loved me. He was asking me to trust him rather than trying to manage what I thought disappointed him.  He was asking me to trust his promise to forgive.

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He already knows.

He already sent Jesus.

He already paid the cost of our sin.

He is a loving and merciful Father who wants us to walk closer to him out of a deep love for us, and that changes everything.

Lauren Douglas is a wife and mommy to two little ones. She enjoys reading, crafting, and exercise. Most of her days start and end with coffee. She prays that her home and life are led by her faith in Christ. Lauren blogs at faithledhome.com.