When God Says No

I run my hand over the cool, marble gravestone, then step back as tears fill my eyes. It’s hard to believe it’s been eleven years since our sweet boy entered the gates of heaven. As I stare at his name etched in ebony next to his sister’s, the memories flash through my mind. My heart aches to hold him once again.

I don’t believe in unanswered prayers. In my mind, the answers are black and white: yes, no, or wait.

God is a loving Father, and I don’t believe for a second that he ignores us. Rather, sometimes his answers aren’t what we ask for.

When I look at pictures of my son, I know God is real. This child was the answer to many years of prayer. And then, when we found out early in my pregnancy that he had the same terminal diagnosis as his sister before him, we were determined to learn how to be prayer warriors.

Since we were undergoing experimental procedures, we were blessed to have many ultrasounds. We watched our son grow from a fleck on the screen to the baby who would steal our hearts. We prayed Psalm 139 over him, and when he was born, we pleaded with God to let him live. God answered yes. They immediately whisked him off to the NICU, and we stepped into uncharted territory and prayed all the more.

Each day was a gift. He was such a sweet boy, full of life and fight. We rarely left his side unless it was to go home and sleep. He was so handsome, with his father’s blue eyes and dimples and a Peter Pan nose! He filled the room with joy, and everyone came to see the baby with no kidneys.

With each milestone he passed, we praised God for blessing us with the desire of our hearts: to have a child. Our son grew bigger, but walked closely to the Valley of Death many times. Each time we prayed for God to heal him, the Lord said yes. It was as though God stretched out time for us to truly be able to treasure his presence for years to come.

Do I believe in miracles? Yes. We witnessed not one but many. Sometimes the doctors said he wouldn’t make it one more hour, but God prevailed. It was one of the craziest yet most peaceful times of our lives. We realized anything was possible with God. We praised and petitioned him every single day. We waited with bated breath to see what would happen next, which is why during our son’s last few days, everything seemed so confusing.

The all-clear came for his transplant when he was six and a half months old. We seemed to be coming into the promised land. But then the shadow of death came upon our son. As we waited in the parking lot for the ambulance to come, I stood near the busy street, wailing as I waved my arms frantically for the rescuers to save our boy.

Oh, how I prayed.

I looked over at my husband. He was holding our son, and at that moment I saw the same glow I’d seen when our daughter passed away two years earlier. I knew the angels were coming to take him home.

My mind was spinning as we rode in the ambulance. I sobbed prayers, begging God to let him live. By the time we arrived at the hospital, a stillness had spread over me. I know now it was the Holy Spirit getting us ready to say good-bye.

It’s nearly impossible to express what it’s like to see a room full of doctors and nurses working to save your child. The monitors that had once told us he was all right now displayed numbers we had never seen before—single digits, and then a flat line. The last to go was his big, beautiful heart.

As I stood there in shock, I cried out for my son’s life to be spared. The answer, this time, was no. In an instant, the light of our lives was gone.

I want to end this post differently than most. I want to speak to those who are in deep sorrow, for those who have received the answer no. I am not going to glaze my words to make the death of a dream seem more bearable, because today it’s just not. When you wake up and your loved one is no longer there, you feel as though nothing seems real. It seems as though it was all just a nightmare, one from which they don’t return.

I want to offer this truth: God can handle your grief. He can handle the questions, anger, and sadness. He has allowed us the gift of emotions and healing tears. He longs for us to feel free to express what is deep in our souls, because we are made in his image.

Scripture is full of God’s mercy:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).

“The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces” (Isaiah 25:8 NIV).

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3 NIV).

Or my favorite:

“Jesus wept” (John 11:35 NIV).

You miss your loved ones. And I miss mine. God knows our pain in their absence. Nowhere in the Bible does it tell us to not grieve. Rather, God asks us to take our grief to him and to lay down our burdens. He knows they are heavy.

So I am going to ask, would you cry with me? Let’s shed tears for the ones God created, the ones whose presence we deeply miss. No matter where we are in life, we can make time to miss them and honor the memories that are so beautifully branded on our hearts.

For when the answer was no, for reasons we may still not be able to comprehend, let’s cry together and rest in the Father’s arms. As we heal we can say,

You changed my life for the better.

I wish you were still here.

I will love you always.

I know I will see you again, but for now,

I miss you, and that’s okay.

 

Kelly Nickerson is a homeschooling mama with two beautiful kids under her wing and four dancing in heaven. She also lives with her amazing husband, who supports her like no other. Kelly is a firecracker prayer warrior who shares honestly about her brokenness, while praising and clinging to the God who sustains her. When she isn’t hunting down germs with disinfectant, you can find her writing of her adventures at kellynickerson.com.

Photograph © Kelly Nickerson, used with permission