What Are Your Value Tapes Saying to You?

A  client once told me that if she hadn’t gained five extra pounds, then maybe her husband wouldn’t have been “forced” to have an affair. Shame whispered to her that she was not lovable, respectable, or valuable, and her husband’s infidelity solidified these lies.

Ten years ago, a dear friend was raped by an acquaintance. Today her mind recognizes she was a victim, but shame tells her she is to blame. She believes she caused—and deserved—her own defilement. She sees herself as dirty and as a disappointment.

After my mom took her own life, I believed I had no value. If my own mom couldn’t stick around, I thought, then I  must not be lovable. I allowed shame to whisper (and yell) messages of worthlessness to my heart for decades.

It’s devastating when we allow the sins and selfish choices of others to impact our value, our worth, and our hearts. How did my client turn her husband’s lack of character and integrity into a personal attack on her own worth? How does my friend assume blame for a man’s sin against her? How did I allow my mom’s suicide to make me believe I had no value?

From an early age we develop value tapes (or MP3’s for the younger crowd) that play in our minds and hearts. When we have an experience, we believe a message about the world, others, and ourselves. If a similar message is recorded enough times on our tapes, it becomes truth. Not necessarily real truth, but our truth. We believe it fully. It’s almost impossible to erase, and we begin to claim it as part of our identity. Experiences that  tell us we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, valuable enough, or lovable enough become the lenses through which we see ourselves.

The messages on our value tapes are ingrained in our hearts, and we usually have them memorized. The problem, though, is these messages are lies. All of them. Lies.

However, we cannot simply delete our tapes. We must replace them by speaking truth into the dark places. We must intentionally choose to record new tapes. Tapes of self-love, self-respect, and self-worth. Tapes that honor our journeys, our hearts, and who we are. These new tapes may seem impossible to record because we do not believe them initially. But the more we speak truth to ourselves, the more we accept it.

It is only when we change our tapes that we can see the truth. The husband who cheated on my client, the coward who raped my friend, and my mom all made incredibly selfish choices. We did not invite their actions, nor did we cause them. We are not “less than” because of their selfish choices. We cannot let their sins determine our value. We cannot allow faulty value tapes to speak daily lies into our hearts.

I can no longer allow my own negative tapes to live inside my heart rent-free. They have consumed me for far too long and caused too much damage. I will speak and receive truth into my heart even when it is difficult to believe. I must be conscience of which messages I take in and which ones I allow to remain. When I catch myself opening the door for those lies to enter, I will ask myself, What will you gain? What is the payoff?

I already know the answer: more pain. Sometimes familiar pain is more comfortable than change, I know, but even familiar pain is full of  torment.  I know this well, and I choose life instead.

I have learned I am far too valuable to let the actions of others determine my worth. What about you? What lies do you believe about yourself? What are you gaining by believing them? What would happen if you replaced those negative value tapes in your mind with more accurate ones that speak messages of love?

Brandy Lidbeck is a licensed marriage and family therapist living in Northern California with her husband and three children. She is passionate about both truth and humor, and if she can get them both in the same conversation, it’s a win/win. She blogs at sipofbrandy.com for fun and thegiftofsecond.com for those impacted by a loved one’s suicide.