Five Ways to Deal With Grief and Loss During the Holidays

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? What’s not to love? Jack Frost nipping at your nose! Presents under the tree! Decorations and dazzling lights aglow! Music, smells, and sights all awakening the nostalgia deep down in our hearts. Christmas has the power to transport us back to moments of innocence, laughter, and pure love.

At one point or another, though, it may become the hardest time of the year. We all eventually have to face loss and the resultant empty place in our lives that follows. Every year as we grow older, we become more in danger of losing a loved one. And when that time inevitably arrives, the holidays may become a huge hurdle.  How do you celebrate when the one you loved so much is no longer here? How do we embody the Christmas spirit without faking it or even boycotting it altogether?

What can we do to make the holidays more bearable when we have just lost a loved one? Everyone handles loss differently. Some of you may take comfort in the normalcy of the holidays. However, I write from the perspective of the person who has grieved hard. I will share with you what has helped us and many others.

First, allow yourself grace and space. When our children died, I could not bear to celebrate.  I felt too guilty to allow myself to even smile. If this is where you are, share with your family your need to take a different approach to the holidays—one that enables you to simply survive. For those of you who may be on the other side of the hard grief, support those who are grieving with grace and allow them to do what they need to do with love and encouragement.

Second, consider making your lost ones a part of your holidays. I love including my kids in our Christmas celebrations, even though they aren’t here. Find a keepsake such as an ornament, stocking, or something that reminds you of them. We purchased stockings with their names embroidered on them to hang up next to our living kids’ stockings. Another grieving mama shared with me the suggestion that family and friends who wish to can write notes to put in the stocking expressing their thoughts about the missing child or loved one.

Third, make a donation or do a fundraiser in your loved one’s name. There are a plethora of charities to pick from. In memory of my children, my mother-in-law has us all donate toys to a boy or a girl overseas. We have donated supplies for the babies in the NICU at our local hospital. We have also donated to World Vision and local homeless shelters for families and children in need. One mother I know started a charity in memory of her daughter to raise money for people with heart defects. It doesn’t matter where you donate. I can tell you that from my deepest pain, my best giving was birthed. Having my heart broken has made me feel so much more compassion for those who are suffering.

Fourth, don’t suffer in silence. Talk about who is missing. Cry, laugh, and share your favorite memories. Maybe make a dish they loved as part of your Christmas meal. My daughter loved sweet cereals, so we include a sugary treat in her memory. It’s a great conversation piece, and it feels as if a piece of the person is still present.

Finally, leave an empty chair.  When veterans share a meal at the VFW hall, they always leave a chair empty for their fallen brother/solider. We can do the same for our lost loved ones. Set their place at the table, just as you always did.  Acknowledgment of this kind can be very healing.  I actually plan to incorporate this beautiful tradition within our family this year.

While we were grieving, the greatest burden (aside from our grief itself) was the feeling that we should go out of our way to help others feel comfortable with our grief. I now believe this is completely backwards. Paul speaks of this very thing, simply stating, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15 NIV).

I love the miraculous story of Lazarus in John chapter 11. When you think back to all the stories where Jesus went about healing the sick and even raising the dead, did we ever hear him say, What is everyone crying about? No. Instead, we see Jesus respond with love and compassion:

“When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ‘Where have you laid him? he asked.

“‘Come and see, Lord,’ they replied.

“Jesus wept.”

If you look back early in John chapter 11, Jesus knew that Lazarus was going to be raised from the dead, yet he still had compassion and was moved in his spirit by seeing others so deeply in sorrow. We are asked to do the same for those who are grieving around us. We should always seek to express compassion and allow others to express their grief, no matter what we think or feel.

[Tweet “Jesus doesn’t want us to suffer alone. And his birth reminds us that heaven has come to earth.”] I will be the first to admit that when my grief was fresh, all I could do was cry over my loss. Now I remind myself that my children would want me to remember them with joy, not pain. I try to focus on the fact that they were a part of my life and to remember all the joy they brought.  It is through the gift of Christ that I am able to hang on to the promise that our loved ones’ stories haven’t ended, but just begun!

At first the empty chair may bring heartache, but as we take the time to remember the lives of those who have gone on before us, we can create a heartfelt and meaningful tradition. Every time we look at that space, it can help us to reflect on what it is to love and lose, and to remember and honor those who brought so much love to our lives and how they have forever changed us for the better.

For those we long to see and hold for just five more minutes: while your chairs may be empty, your presence made our lives richer and filled our hearts to the brim.

Kelly Nickerson is a homeschooling mama with two beautiful kids under her wing and four dancing in heaven. She also lives with her amazing husband, who supports her like no other. Kelly is a firecracker prayer warrior who shares honestly about her brokenness, while praising and clinging to the G-d who sustains her. When she isn’t hunting down germs with disinfectant, you can find her writing of her adventures at kellynickerson.com.