How to Build More Margin into Your Life
If your life as a modern woman looks anything like mine, it is overwhelmingly full. Whether you work or not, have children or not, are married or not, homeschool or send your children to school, belong to a church or not, you are likely busy in a way that feels inescapable. It may feel impossible to change. We are a culture of doing, and when we are not doing, we are still doing. Some nights you may sink into bed wondering where the day went. Many days you may wish you had just one more hour to do something for yourself–to finish that book or project, take a bubble bath, sit on the porch with a glass of wine at sunset, go for a walk, read some poetry, do a little yoga, go for a pedicure.
I know how you feel. But take a deep breath here. There is hope.
Do you schedule margin?
In college, I used a paper planner. It had a page for every day with spaces to write down all my coursework as well as my non-school-related commitments. I worked, was part of a campus theatre company, wrote for the student newspaper, and took a full course load. I needed a planner in order to stay on top of it all. After college, I stopped using a planner for several years. Then, when I got married and had my first baby, I started using a planner again–this time one with a weekly layout, where you see a full week on one page spread. I used it to keep track of my meal plan, doctor appointments, meetings, travel, and when my daughter’s daycare was closed.
A few months ago, I bought my first paper planner with a daily layout since college. The need for a daily layout in this stage of my life tells me I have more to manage than ever. If things are not written down, I miss them, and the space for each day in my weekly planner isn’t enough anymore.
Plus, I needed to start scheduling myself some margin. Yep–I actually schedule time to read and be creative. If I don’t, it might not happen. Even so, it doesn’t always happen, but by planning it as part of my day, I have a better chance.
What do you do to unwind?
We all have margin available. We all have room for delight and passion, recreation and rest. We just need to find it. One way to do this is to assess the way we unwind.
Watch social media for just a little while, and you are bound to see someone mention “binge-watching” a show. Television apps like Netflix, Amazon’s Prime Video, and Sling have made TV available to us in a new way. Instead of our planned weeknight date with the next episode of [enter show name here], we can sit for hours in front of the TV, night after night, watching one episode after another. It’s tempting to zone out in front of a show at the end of a long day.
By entering the onscreen world, we can forget our busyness. But what are we sacrificing in exchange? Good books? Hobbies we love? Time to think or pray?
How connected are you?
Sarah Mackenzie, founder of the Read-Aloud Revival, spent an entire podcast episode last year sharing about how, as a busy homeschooling mom of six, she finds time to read. One of the key steps she took to build margin into her life for reading was to put down her phone. In line at the grocery store, in the waiting room, first thing in the morning and at the end of the day, whenever we have a few moments, the tendency is to reach for our smartphones and see what other people are doing, saying, watching, and photographing. But what if we did something else? What if we pulled out a notebook, a handicraft project, or made like Rory Gilmore and pulled out an actual book instead? We might write a page or two, read a chapter, knit a few rounds. I keep all three in my purse these days. Even so, I sometimes find I still pull out my phone. But hey–it’s a work in progress.
Do you say yes to the right things?
I’ve always had trouble saying no. I hate missing an opportunity to participate in something I enjoy, and I hate disappointing people. When I was single, this was less of a problem. I had no one to feed, clothe, or put to bed but myself. But as a working mom of two, I’ve learned that I can only say yes to so much before I find myself overcommitted. For me, overcommitment ultimately translates into stressed out, rushing, always five minutes late, unable to experience enjoyment, and even feeling resentment toward myself for saying yes when I should have said no. I’m getting better all the time at saying no and not worrying about what people think, and it’s made a difference. If saying yes means I will lose the small amount of margin I try to reserve for myself, I try to say no, even when it’s hard.
Side note: Do you ever say yes to something and then regret it almost immediately? Like, as soon as you hang up the phone, hit Send on the text, look at your calendar, or are sitting in your car in the parking lot after saying goodbye? I’ve become a master at backing out when this happens, and I’m convinced there is no shame in it. Just do it immediately, and don’t do it to the same person repeatedly (I give myself one back-out card per person, and after I’ve backed out on someone once, I tend to pause and think before saying yes the next time). Say something like, “I’ve rethought that commitment, and I’ve realized I have so much going on, it’s just not a wise decision right now. I’m sorry.” Or “I’ve realized the timing of that isn’t going to work. Can we do it some other time?” and then move on. You’ll be relieved, I promise. (Note: I also have no shame in rescheduling appointments of any kind if I find the date and time are going to cause me stress. If it’s not of critical importance, I just call and reschedule.)
At the same time, it’s important to say yes to the right things. If we say no out of guilt over leaving our husband to do bedtime with the kids, for example, that’s an issue too. This past weekend, some friends of mine were in town, and they invited me to dinner. I almost didn’t go because it was Saturday evening, I was skipping out on my family, and I felt a twinge of guilt. But I’d just put in a full week of birthday party planning and execution for my oldest daughter, so I took a breath–and went to see my friends. It was worth it. I came home four hours later with my mental and emotional tank filled by the good food, good conversation, and time out of the house. It was the right yes.
How’s your sleep schedule?
Do you stay up late? Studies show that the average American goes to bed around 11 p.m. Studies also show that early risers accomplish more. Friends, hear me out here. I was never a morning person. Then I began to find myself too tired at night to do anything more than–you guessed it–watch TV. So I gradually started going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, bit by bit. Now I have a full two hours to myself on most mornings before my girls get up, and it is gold. I read, I write, I stretch, I think, I pray, I drink my coffee in peace. It’s beautiful.
No matter how busy you are, don’t despair. A few intentional choices can bring some margin back into your life–for you and the things you love to do.
has loved the written word for as long as she can remember. A former English teacher turned editor, she has spent the past nine years in the publishing industry. A writer herself in the fringe hours of her working-and-homeschooling mom life, Harmony also has a heart for leading and coaching aspiring writers. Harmony lives in Memphis with her husband and two small daughters. She blogs at harmonyharkema.com.
Photograph © Jazmin Quaynor, used with permission
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